BREAKING NEWS
Troubled kart racing actress and karaoke singer LINDSAY LOHAN has died at the tragically young age of 27.
A spokesperson for the Los Angeles Police Department told reporters that Lohan was involved in a multi-car crash earlier this morning. It is unclear whether drugs or alcohol played a part in the accident. Her body was found by a cyclist who proceeded to stip off her clothes, roll her over and cut off her fingers and toes with a pocket knife. The missing digits were later confiscated by police, after they turned up on eBay listed as "lot of 10 delicious edible freedom nuggets".
Many Hollywood celebrities have expressed their grief over Lindsay Lohan's death since it was announced by Dan Rather on CNN. Rapper Drake was particularly distraught, tweeting "my brothers...we may never see a talent like her kind ever again, R.I.P".
The death is ironic because Lohan recently started working at a morgue, in an attempt to pay off her student loans. She was on probation after being caught stealing watches and wedding rings from the dead bodies. Last month Lohan escaped from the morgue and made her way to Tallahassee, Florida where she rented an apartment near Florida State University under the name Chris Hagen. She managed to buy food and pay her way at local college bars with stolen credit cards.
On Saturday, October 1, Lohan broke into Florida State University's Chi Omega sorority house and bludgeoned and strangled to death two women, raping one of them and brutally biting her on her buttocks and one nipple. She beat two others over the head with a log. They survived which investigators attribute to fellow roommate Nita Neary, who came home and interrupted Lohan before she was able to kill the other two victims.
Lohan's trademark death stare
Lohan began her dick sucking career at a young age and used those skills to leverage a role on popular sitcom The Cosby Show. It was the beginning of an amazing career on stage and screen that spanned 2 decades. Her magnum opus 'Mean Girls
' was released to critical acclaim in 2004, winning her an Oscar for best actress. MTV will be holding a special memorial for her on Friday.
oh if only this account had more truth to it. life would be better. or at least not as bad.
ReplyDeleteThe 27 Club is a nasty club indeed.
ReplyDeleteIf Lindsay is not careful, the club will welcome her as its newest member.
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