RiFF RAFF: the story so far

EXCLUSIVE: Part 1 of the weird biography that was deemed "too inaccurate" for Wikipedia!

RiFF RAFF: the story so far: A tale of Two RiFf raFfs

Jody "riFF raFF" Christian was born 2 weeks premature in the vicinity of "Bunk Alley", Minnesota in 1975. He was raised by Gypsies and spent much of his time alone nurturing his tulip gardens and focusing on his rapping and the ability to telekinetically manipulate and control materials with his mind. He loved how the sensation of fiber, such as soft weaves and flowers, felt to his touch; hard objects felt abrasive to him. He was very lonely, so he wove himself gossamer wings.

In 1987 Riff Raff met an American actor and activist named Mike Steele. Steele was starring in a remake of the movie Dracula, which was being filmed on location in Battle Creek, NE. Riff Raff romanced and seduced Steele with promises of fame and fortune. They married, but Steele was constantly away from the house. Riff Raff then began imagining that he was having affairs behind his back. He wove himself a costume and began calling himself Kokayne Dawkins. He wreaked havoc attacking social gatherings in search of Mike Steele. MTV approached Dawkins and they made a reality show about him.

Jim Scampoli encountered Kokayne Dawkins at a dinner party he was attending. Accompanying Jim Scampoli to the party was his homeboy Jeff Murphy, along with his mentor Jimmy Fallon. Scampoli ate several mushrooms and tried to confront Kokayne Dawkins, unweaving his costume and attempting to drown him in a swimming pool. Dawkins broke free, and at the same time his boyfriend Mike Steele realized that the fight was occurring. Steele fired his gun at Dawkins, narrowly missing the drug crazed DJ, damaging his gossamer wings so that he could not fly. By this point the dance floor was well and truly cleared. Jeff Murphy grabbed a baton and heroically knocked out Steele to keep him from getting in the way as he confronted the unmasked Riff Raff. However, instead of turning him over to the authorities, Jeff Murphy allowed him to walk away since they seemed to have some things in common.

Within his new cult, Riff Raff ordered his followers to steal and scavenge for him. As the Dark Snitcher (Mike Steele) investigated these thefts, he overheard the name of Riff Raff from a trustworthy drug dealer. He recalled it as the name of a pimp who was throwing a party that his best friend Jake Sprague was attending. During a scuffle, Dark Snitcher became injected with enough drugs to knock him out and when he came to he was before Riff Raff. Dark Snitcher thought they were friends, but Riff Raff said he was mistaken. Riff Raff tried to drown Dark Snitcher in cement, but Dark Snitcher used his powers to break loose and tried to appeal to Riff Raff's conscience. Saying he had no conscience, Riff Raff attacked once more as Dark Snitcher realized Jake Sprague was present in a drugged-induced haze. Rushing to help him, he turned around to realize Riff Raff was gone. His location remains a mystery.

TO BE CONTINUED...
 

BEVAN'S BIT'S #1 - guest column by Bevan B

alright maggots, put down your goon bag for 1 sec and pay some fuckin attention becoz i have been granted this regular job postin shit for skiphopz.com...one of the dopest sites on the web. and centrelink told me i cant turn down a job. and i didnt even run this shit through a spell checker cause the editor here dont give a fuck. real shit from the streets of rural NSW where i rep from

first off i want to give a big FUCK YOU to those guys who are hosts and runners of the rap battles we have seen happen around this sunburnt land of our's. these rap battle running cunts are wack fucks who have no talent and need the battles they run to make a name for themselfs because there music is pure crap and they can not emcee. FACT: put a grand on it

on the message boards of OZHIPHOP.COM a recent topic has been emcees who are underrated. i want 2 give a shout out to some of my favorite real aussie emcees. KAYE is a mad bloke proud to be from nsw we have some of the best emcees and writers in our state alot of dope hip hop coming out of nsw lately. CANNIBAL TRIBE are sum of the hardest cunts out. LOSTY is a real creative dude and could be the next Aussie Eminem (one of my favorite rappers)


u may see me around gigs or at your local train station in these states nsw wa qld and maybe vic soon. so check out my music and hit me up on myspace... http://www.myspace.com/bevanb

LATER HATERS! 

Peter Andre Bites Talib Kweli

 

 Portrait of a biter

Underground rap singer Talib Kweli is recovering in hospital tonight after being bitten by a crazed Peter Andre.

The surprising incident took place in the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Kweli was signing autographs for fans when he was interrupted by a crazed Peter Andre who flung himself at the rap singer. Andre bit Kweli on the face and jaw before latching onto his arm and removing a strip of flesh. He was restrained by hotel security but managed to escape while they attempted to contact police. He was heard running away while yelling "It was love at first bite! I will find you again Talib, nobody can keep us apart!"

 

Kweli was shaken by the incident but he remains in good spirits. He was quoted saying "I feel bad for Peter, he is in a dark place right now and I honestly wish him the best."

Andre could not be reached for comment. His agent released a statement saying "This is an uncharacteristic biting by Peter. I'm sure it was a misunderstanding and he will emerge from hiding soon to explain himself." Police have asked anyone with information about his whereabouts to contact Crime Stoppers, you can remain anonymous if you wish.

Peter Andre was one the biggest and amazing sensational artists of the 1990s who created a fad among all the music lovers across the globe with his illustrious and stunning, ”Mysterious Girl” and who still continues to amaze his fans by his flair. He doesn't have any known diseases so its no big deal if he bites you. The accomplished performer is well known for his brilliant come back in 2006 who rocked the UK charts with his album A Whole New World. After the spectacular musical success of the album, Peter Andre continues to delight his fans with all the astonishing albums. Be it Revelation (2009) – with dark lyrics which was a bit different from his previous style, Unconditional : Love Songs (2011) or Accelerate (2010) which entered the UK charts in its first week.

Zac Hanson Purchases Swimming Pool Full of Cocaine

The littlest Hanson brother has made waves in the celebrity swimming community by filling his backyard pool with cocaine. Inspired by his hero Tony Montana, Zac Hanson (26) recently purchased the white Colombian gold from a contact he made during his time in the music industry.





The 25-metre pool has become a controversial fixture in Zac's Tulsa neighbourhood. Some residents have complained about the all-night cocaine parties, which often include Hanson music played at a loud volume, and parents have warned their children never to go swimming at the Hanson residence. Local police are concerned but there is nothing they can do about it.



Zac had been saving up his royalties from the hit single "MMM...Bop" for 15 years, waiting until he could afford enough cocaine to fill his pool. While his older brothers were racing their Ferraris and riding jetskis around their castle moats Zac was living modestly, only spending on the bare essentials. During a candid interview he expressed his heartfelt thanks to all the fans who bought the single and made his extreme cocaine dream a reality.

Celebs Spotted: DEAD OR ALIVE

I was lucky enough to see Sir Bill Cosby's Corpse performing an impromptu standup gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. The great one has lost none of his charm, he had the audience eating out of his maggot infested hand as he ran through some of his famous routines such as standing upright supported by a wooden pole while flies buzzed around his decomposing flesh for 45 minutes. No encore?



My cousin Steve caught a glimpse of young buck Orlando Bloom at the beach. The mad actor was shoving his cock into the beaks of pelicans while loudly proclaiming that it was the only species with a mouth large enough to suck him off. He was looking buff too!



I was surprised to see Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz at my school for show and tell. He stood up in front of my class and spent 2 hours showing us pictures of his Cadillac Escalade and Volkswagen Jetta. He wouldn't leave until we all agreed that his cars were awesome, it was weird because he doesn't even go to my school and he is like 25 years old.

I also saw some reports of Solomon Klepto stabbing cunts in Dandy but that's neither here nor there...

Everything You Wanted to Know About Touhou But Were Afraid to Ask

Touhou Project (also known as Tha Shrine Maidenz) is a series of so called Japanese "video games" where the player controls a lolita girl who has to shoot down enemy foreigners. Hundreds of Touhou games have been produced so far and the trend shows no sign of stopping. The franchise has become wildly popular in recent years, giving birth to several comic books and action figures depicting the Touhou gang.

The magic of Touhou started in 2002 with the release of "The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil", an RPG (rolling play game) in which the object of the game is to rape a young girl on a subway platform. An important part of the game is avoiding the police patrols which will attempt to put a stop to your activities. To survive you will need to collect the powerups to increase your abilities and grab the magic 'spell card' which destroys all enemies on the screen. Players are awarded points for how quickly and efficiently they are able to complete the task at hand, and are ranked on a high score leaderboard online. The best players compete at the highest difficulty level; "lunatic", and compete for bragging rights on the high school playground or around the office water cooler.

Did you know: Touhou is a Japanese word literally translated as "girl with fat thighs"

Marisa Kirisame, one of the most popular Touhous

Popularity

Touhou has become one of the most popular anime franchises in mainstream Japanese culture, even winning multiple design awards around the world and being recognised by Andy Warhol who installed all the games on his laptop after obtaining the files at a LAN party. Recently it has started to gather steam in different countries around the world, becoming a favourite of young girls everywhere.

The rabid Touhou fans gather each year at Comiket, a Japanese comic book convention, to swap comics and engage in LARP (live action role playing) of their favourite character. It is common for fans of the series to produce their own fan works, including video games, dioramas and symphonies. Sony, the original creator of Touhou, encourages the creativity within the fanbase.

Did you know: Each year Japan exports over 700 tonnes of "hugging pillows" featuring Touhou characters.

The popularity of Touhou is due to the amount of characters in the franchise. There are well over 100 unique characters to collect (all of them female), each with their own loyal fanbase. Currently the most popular girl is Cirno, the ice demon.

In 2008 there was controversy over Touhou when a young boy brought a gun to school and shot 4 of his classmates after playing a Touhou game. This caused the Japanese government to crack down on "bullet hell" shooters, a genre of video games where players must shoot everyone and make them go to hell. Although bullet hell games where real people die are becoming increasingly rare in the marketplace.

Did you know: Pop sensation Justin Bieber owns a Touhou plushie.

With Touhou characters such as Miku Hatsune becoming well known in the West through Youtube, advertising and other media is it only a matter of time before the franchise becomes a worldwide hit into the future and beyond. Excelsior!