Secret NBA plan reveals they are collecting all our rebounds

Superstar Lebron James has been implicated in the leaked NBA plan to collect all the rebounds, according to an anonymous whistleblower who was found dead in his Hong Kong hotel room this morning. Local detective Jackie Chan has ruled the case a suicide and was quoted saying "I don't want no trouble."

The leaked documents uploaded to Wikileaks show that NBA commissioner David Stern masterminded the plan to pad Lebron James' career stats (which also count toward Stern's stats as commissioner, according to a controversial new rule change).

Lebron allegedly disguised himself as Sam Bowie before travelling to school playgrounds and gymnasiums around the country where he would run onto the court and aggressively box out players on both teams. After he grabbed the ball he would take out his iPhone, record the rebound on his NBA.com stat-tracker app and run away to find the next victim.

Amateur basketball players worldwide are now scared to attempt a field goal, even when practicing by themselves, for fear of Lebron stealing the rebound and running away with their ball. Some NBA players have complained about Lebron in private but they will not speak on the record because commissioner Stern rules the league with an iron fist and has punished dissidents before.

At time of writing Lebron has managed to pad his stats to 3260 rebounds per game which puts him slightly behind Tim Duncan.

RAP CELEBS spotted in tha wyld!

Aussie hip hopper TRILL was seen at a popular beach, he kept swimming out to the buoys and messing around with them. This activity has prompted the coastguard to nickname him 'The buoy fiddler'. Apparently the young man cannot keep his hands off the buoys. Gulls remain unaffected by his nefarious activities.


I saw the famous rapman MEMPHIS BLEEK in the flesh. He was quite friendly, approaching and eating pellets out of my hand. He even let me pat him on the head and run my fingers through his hair before he suddenly tried to bite my hand off!


Rap spinner DJ REFLUX was spotted at a local club. He kept stealing records from the DJ's crate while they weren't looking and cutting the corners off the record sleeves. He appears to be storing these in a modified stamp album.


Popular rap know-it-all BLUEBIRD (from those forums) was seen swimming around in the Tasman Sea. Apparently he was on a flight to New Zealand when he suddenly stood up and said "I can't take it anymore, I'm in an aeroplane over the sea? This is too mainstream for me!" then somehow managed to open the emergency exit and jump out, creating a torrent of explosive decompression that claimed my Palm Pilot. I hope he had a parachute and a pretty good life raft in his carry on luggage!

Celebs Spotted: DEAD OR ALIVE

I was lucky enough to see Sir Bill Cosby's Corpse performing an impromptu standup gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. The great one has lost none of his charm, he had the audience eating out of his maggot infested hand as he ran through some of his famous routines such as standing upright supported by a wooden pole while flies buzzed around his decomposing flesh for 45 minutes. No encore?



My cousin Steve caught a glimpse of young buck Orlando Bloom at the beach. The mad actor was shoving his cock into the beaks of pelicans while loudly proclaiming that it was the only species with a mouth large enough to suck him off. He was looking buff too!



I was surprised to see Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz at my school for show and tell. He stood up in front of my class and spent 2 hours showing us pictures of his Cadillac Escalade and Volkswagen Jetta. He wouldn't leave until we all agreed that his cars were awesome, it was weird because he doesn't even go to my school and he is like 25 years old.

I also saw some reports of Solomon Klepto stabbing cunts in Dandy but that's neither here nor there...

Rebecca Black Pregnant! WE SO EXCITED

The star of infamous youtube video "Friday" today revealed she is pregnant in an image posted on the Facebook wall of a person close to Rebecca which was later deleted. Rebecca then disabled comments on the original Friday video where people were discussing the news.

Is Rebecca Black really pregnant? How will this development effect her recording career?



Update: further confirmation from the Rebecca Black Fan Club and a rumor that the father could be Nat Wolff. Interesting!

It's also being posted on other websites. and TMZ.

13 year old Rebecca Black, best known for her song Friday which became a viral hit online, is pregnant.

One of Rebecca's close friends revealed the news on their Facebook wall. The post was soon deleted but the revelation had already spread to Twitter. Apparently Rebecca did not want the news made public yet, she even disabled comments on the Friday video which has 140 million views on Youtube.

Rebecca's boyfriend Nat Wolff is assumed to be the father. They have been seen together at functions and award ceremonies since meeting last year.

Black has already been criticized by some for allowing herself to become pregnant, many are concerned that she is setting a bad example for teens. Rebecca has previously acknowledged that she is a role model for young people. The community at babycenter.com was particularly critical with many calling for Rebecca to seriously consider an abortion. Black has previously spoken about her pro-life values.

Other websites such as a new Facebook group dedicated to Rebecca's pregnancy have been more supportive. Rebecca Black herself has not made a statement about her pregnancy at this time.

90s Rappers: where are they now???

The 90s were the golden age of rap. Wealthy industrialists invested heavily in rap stocks and the funky cold medina was plentiful. Nobody could have guessed that the jiggy rap crash of the early 2000s was only a few short years away.

Have you ever wondered what happened to your favourite rappers from the 90s? In this new series of regular posts I will give u the 411 on these one hit wonders...


WILL "BIG WILLIE" SMITH
Famous for: His mom getting scared, relocating to cohabitate with relatives in the Los Angeles suburb of Bel Air. Blowing up the white house.
Where is he now: Making another Bad Boys movie. I am not making this up.


SNOW
Famous for: Being white. Ruining MC Shan's career with his infamous hit single 'Informer' (WARNING: DO NOT CLICK, YOU WILL BE SORRY)
Where is he now: Mysteriously out of prison, not being hassled by police at all. Meanwhile all his former friends are no doubt rotting in jail and out for revenge. The drama continues.


NAS
Famous for: Being dissed by our lord and savior Jay-Z.
Where is he now: Changed his name to 'N' (just one syllable). Allegedly still releasing music, probably on some small label nobody cares about.

H0llywood Celebz Sp0tted!

A peek into the private lives of your favourite Hollywood celebs! Reports straight from the STREETS about what the stars get up to when the cameras are off. Now with a more international focus.


Hollywood's favourite Crocs wearer NICOLE KIDMAN was spotted lurking the streets of Sydney in the early hours of yesterday morning, drawing giant pentagrams on the ground with chalk and lighting candles. She kept checking her watch and looking up at the sky but nothing was happening, as far as I could tell.



Teen dream JUSTIN BEBER was allegedly seen scratching his twitter address into the back windows of the cars parked along his street. His mom isn’t going to be happy when she finds out what he did!



Babe TILA TEQUILA was seen out and about trying to catch pigeons! She was doing very well with a fishing rod using piees of spiced sausage as bait. She told me every pigeon she sells comes with a free copy of her mixtape. I managed to get away while she was trying to shove a bird into a tiny cage and close the latch.


I saw popular man about town MICHAEL BUBLE doing a roaring trade hustling cocaine from the back of his car underneath a bridge. He told me he needed the drug money to finance his new album. I explained that it was the wrong thing to do and managed to convince Buble to throw all his drugs in the river. Nobody go swimming in there, for a while!



I overheard the infamous trickster SHIA LaBEOUF trying to pick up a waitress at a cafe. He was asking what she would wish for if she found a magic lamp, he kept suggesting a box of Tim Tams that never runs out. He said he has a hookup that can get him as many Tim Tams as he wants. He put his hands into his pockets and pulled out like 8 Tim Tams. He got her number.




Spotted Hollywood patriarch TED DANSON outside a KFC protesting for PETA. He was stopping everyone who tried to go in, asking if they knew what’s in KFC’s burgers and telling them it was the endangered luck dragon. He didn’t hassle me too much but he told me fur is murder and he would never wear a mink coat again. Right on!


Human female KIM KARDASHIAN was spotted by a fan at a supermarket. She didn’t buy anything, she was just opening every box of cereal and feeling around inside with her hand. Hope she found what she was looking for!



Saw the legendary warlock MEL GIBSON at a screening of Black Swan. He kept complaining loudly that they weren’t dancing properly and none of the actors knew anything about dancing. He said he wanted a refund and he walked out but I saw him quickly duck into a different theatre.

more aussie RAP celeb spotting

Spotted rap mastermind MASS MC again. This time fleeing from Nalfeshnee, the notorious soul eating harbinger of doom. He was running through the State Library of New South Wales trying to photocopy a large leather bound volume, it looked like the demon wanted it back!





Infamous battle rapper RoNiKaL was observed at a construction site in Brisbane yesterday, deftly dodging besa blocks being thrown by an unseen assailant. Has he started a beef he couldn't finish?






Indelible rap man 360 was spotted in a forest yesterday with a stack of softcore porn magazines. He was burying issies of The Picture under a thin layer of pine needles. So thats how they got there!






Saw the amazing DJ SHEEP hanging out with CHARLIE SHEEN at a local Irish pub. They were banging 7 gram rocks with Lindsay Lohan while SHEEP helped Charlie with his crab scratch technique and taught him about how to properly care for and store vinyl. Hope he was paying attention!

More Aussie hip hop celebs spotted

Saw Officer CLINT DOGG at my local police station. He dragged a homeless looking guy into one of the questioning rooms, yelling something about him being a double agent. It sounded like he was giving him a pretty rough time in there!

Acoustic crooner PHATCHANCE ran out in front of my car while I was stopped at traffic lights in Sydney yesterday. He was wearing a striped shirt and mime facepaint. He pretended there was a wall in front of him then he climbed an imaginary rope for a while and ran away before I could give him a tip. I got out of my car and chased after him but he was gone in the blink of an eye.

Rap guy COPTIC SOLJA was seen at a local Borders store that was having a closing down sale. He kept asking if the prices had come down yet. Then I saw him trying to haggle down the price of an Asterix book. In the end he paid with a gift voucher. Hope he got a good deal!

Spotted the infamous Funkoar TRIALS at Sportsgirl in Arndale shopping centre. He was hanging around the fitting rooms asking girls if they needed any help. What a gentleman!

OMG Jackie Chan is dead!

Jackie Chan DEAD!




CNN - Jackie Chan Dies of Heart Attack

this is so fucked up right now!!! I cant believe jackie chan is really dead!!! apparently

A Los Angeles hospital has reported that Jackie Chan is dead. The legendary Hong Kong actor who appeared in over 100 films died last night following a heart attack. He was promoting his most recent film, 'The Karate Kid'. Doctors say his heavy schedule was causing extreme stress and putting too much pressure on his heart. Chan was scheduled to fly to Hong Kong today to begin shooting on his next film '1911'.

The actors family has not yet issued a statement in regards to the passing of the truly remarkable actor who died at the young age of 56. Fans swarmed Facebook after confirmation of his passing came through a source close to Chan. A couple of celebrities have also posted their personal tributes through Facebook. Will Smith; “A remarkable actor, he will be forever missed and always in our hearts. RIP Jackie. x”

Even United States President Barack Obama laid down a personal tribute to the martial artist saying: “Jackie Chan is a man who can talk through talent, he is a constant reminder of the strength of humanity. He will forever be in our hearts, a true inspiration who inspired many generations. First it's Nate Dogg then it's Jackie Chan. Deader than Bill Cosby."

MTV will be holding a special memorial for Chan on Friday.

update: IS JACKIE CHAN DEAD!?!?!?!?? or ALIVE!?? it may not be true. who knows. im just reporting the latest news direct from my anonymous sources dont blame me if its wrong!!!  but you heard it first here; JACKIE CHAN IS DEAD.
disclaimer: some people say Jackie Chan is not dead.