"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

Reuters
Vatican City
June 26, 2013

In a move that has shocked religious fanatics around the globe, Pope Francis has named Kanye West as an official Saint of the Catholic Church.

The announcement was especially surprising because the process of canonization usually takes decades. Francis told reporters that he "Stepped up and made an executive decision" by making Kanye a Saint, effective immediately. He continued, "Kanye is the greatest producer to ever live, he has changed the rap game several times since bringing the soul sound back with his dope album 'The College Dropout'. And his rhymes are off the hook as well."

'Da Hip Hop Pope' shares a bong with worshippers in downtown Chicago

Potential Saints must perform at least 3 (three) miracles before they can be accepted into the pantheon. Pope Francis cited the famous car accident in 2002, which Kanye escaped with his life and a broken jaw. The other miracles cited were Kanye West's "visionary beats and compelling rhymes".

Kanye has spoken about his faith many times and referenced it in his songs such as 'Jesus Walks' and 'I am a God', the latter is from his latest album 'Yeezus'.

When asked for comment Kanye said he would consider moving to Heaven to live with the other saints, but it would not be the end of his career. He tweeted a message to his fans indicating he deserved to be even higher in the Church, he could still become Pope, Archangel, Jesus Christ or even God.

A new portrait of Saint West has been commissioned to hang in the Vatican lobby

Fellow rap megastar Drake was less than impressed with the news. He took out his phone and waved it around, trying to show reporters a photo of an Indian totem-pole with his face crudley carved into the side "Look I'mma God too!"

Secret NBA plan reveals they are collecting all our rebounds

Superstar Lebron James has been implicated in the leaked NBA plan to collect all the rebounds, according to an anonymous whistleblower who was found dead in his Hong Kong hotel room this morning. Local detective Jackie Chan has ruled the case a suicide and was quoted saying "I don't want no trouble."

The leaked documents uploaded to Wikileaks show that NBA commissioner David Stern masterminded the plan to pad Lebron James' career stats (which also count toward Stern's stats as commissioner, according to a controversial new rule change).

Lebron allegedly disguised himself as Sam Bowie before travelling to school playgrounds and gymnasiums around the country where he would run onto the court and aggressively box out players on both teams. After he grabbed the ball he would take out his iPhone, record the rebound on his NBA.com stat-tracker app and run away to find the next victim.

Amateur basketball players worldwide are now scared to attempt a field goal, even when practicing by themselves, for fear of Lebron stealing the rebound and running away with their ball. Some NBA players have complained about Lebron in private but they will not speak on the record because commissioner Stern rules the league with an iron fist and has punished dissidents before.

At time of writing Lebron has managed to pad his stats to 3260 rebounds per game which puts him slightly behind Tim Duncan.

J Cole Reported to be Dead

The Global Associated Press has reported that musician J Cole is dead following a freak Jet-Ski accident while on holiday in Turks and Caicos.

goodnight sweet prince

Official reports from hospital officials indicate that the famous rapper/singer struck a concrete boat slip in a marina on Parrot Cay in the Turks and Caicos Islands earlier today. J Cole was the only passenger on the personal watercraft at the time of the incident.

J Cole was a respected musician with millions of fans around the world before his tragic death. His debut album titled Cole World: The Sideline Story was released on September 27, 2011. His death was met by an outpouring of grief on Twitter and Facebook.

The accident occurred at approximately 8:45 a.m. (UTC/GMT -4 hours).

This story is still developing



The Turks and Caicos Islands, in recent years have grown in popularity as a quiet getaway destination for celebrities. The Turks and Caicos Islands consist of 40 islands and cays, eight of which are inhabited. The islands are located 550 miles southeast of Miami, Florida, just below the Bahamas chain and just to the east of Cuba and the island of Hispaniola (Dominican Republic and Haiti.) Technically, the Turks and Caicos are located in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Caribbean Sea.

Your Choice: Kingz - Figgkidd and the Hall of Fameoz

In this new regular feature I will pay homage to the dopest oldschool kingz in the Aussie rap scene.

First inductee to the Oz Hip Hop HALL OF FAMEOZ: FIGGKIDD



The magical legend of Figgkidd started in 2004, when a young buck took time off playing Runescape to be discovered by a hotshot record executive while rapping to his mum in the shower. He got a deal with Sony and the rest his history...

He built up a lot of buzz on internet forums and released his debut album What Is Figgkidd in 2004. It had a lot of people confused at the time, everyone was eager to find out what a Figgkidd was. Once they found out they became loyal fans for life. Figgkidd's unique Eminem style was a perfect fit for the Aussie rap industry and he became a household name.




what am i watching

Maybe the success came a bit too soon for Figgkidd, as he found himself in the heady world of Channel V fame and cocaine hooker binges. During this time he was fucking so many bitches he couldn't even get his dick hard. The music suffered when he started rapping dumb fairytale shit that nobody wanted to hear, the intricite lyrics replaced with songs ghostwritten by infamous jerk Mark Holden. He even re-released his first album in a desperate attempt to recapture the magic but nobody seemed to care what a Figgkidd was anymore.

The post 2007 era (known to diehard 'Kidd fans as the 'Figgkidd Rennasaince') has been great for Aussie hip hop. Major acts like 360 and Hilltop Hoods get played on Nova every day but it wasn't always like this, they owe it all to Figgkidd; the Australian Eminem who broke through and showed us how our dope local rappers could compete with the best in the world. He still ranks in the official top 5 gifted lyricists to come out of the Southern Hemisphere.

Recently his Myspace page was hacked and the music was replaced with some dumb sounding rap music. In 2011 you can still catch the ghost of Figgkidd posting his inane responses to things on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it. The older headz are the only people who remember how dope Figgkidd was, and how Figgkiddmania gripped Australia in the summer of 2004. The legend of a young, upcoming Eminem will live forever in our hearts and the SKIPHOPZ OZ HIP HOP HALL OF FAMEOZ.

RAPPER REPORT CARD
FIGGKIDD
Vocabulary: 8
Articulation: 9
Creativity: 8
Originality: 10
Versatility: 9
Voice: 10
Records: 10
Stage Presence: 7
Sticking to Themes: 5
Innovating Rhythms: 7
83/100, B
"Silver Star"

Basketball Jones: Secret NBA History including Yinka Dare and the Jordan Conspiracy

In this regular new feature I will report on the happenings around the National BBall Angrymen (NBA). All sports fans know that basketball has been CANCELLED FOREVER due to a lack of interest. Only 4 teams wanted to enter the league this season...what a piece of shit. In the meantime lets look back over the history of America's Game...

In 1734 Dr Julius Erving discovered basketball after he got bored and started throwing large orange balls into a peach basket. He was committed to a mental institution where the game took off, and the NBA was born. In those days the game was very different; fundamentals like dunking and dribbling were banned and only white people were allowed to play.

The popularity of the game spread overseas during the Cold War years, with China taking an interest in the development of players. Two professional B-ball players sent their son to China to be moulded into the ultimate killing machine and baller, that child's name was Michael Jordan.



Jordan cut his teeth in operations for the secret joint China-American government in the 1970s, killing thousands of dissidents in South American countries as part of a black-ops death squad that also included Sam Bowie and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Finally he was drafted to the Chicago Cows in 1985 and the legend was born, he averaged an incredible 3.55 turnovers per game in his rookie year.

However critics have alleged that Jordan's amazing statistics are not legit; there are documented cases where the referees would call a foul or even a timeout when one of Jordan's shots was about to miss. Opposition players were often called for fouling Jordan when they were on the other side of the court or sitting on the bench. Sometimes points scored by Luc Longley (one of the most underrated players of all time) would mysteriously turn up on Jordan's box score, and the scorers claimed that they couldn't tell the players apart.

In one 1994 playoff game against the New York Knicks Jordan had not scored a single point in the first half, so the referee allowed him to stand under the basket at halftime and throw the ball through the hoop 20 times, and for some reason each shot counted as a 3 pointer. The other team were allowed to guard him during this time but they were forced to do so while standing in their coach's technical area which made it very difficult indeed.

Another controversial moment was when the NBA decided to count Michael Jordan's games in Bill Murray's movie Space Jam towards his career totals, causing his ppg to skyrocket and Jordanmania to grip Britain and the world. The cash was rolling in and China were making their investment back off all the shoes and singlets they were selling.

But there was one problem for Jordan and his band of Manchurian mercenaries: a young kid named Yinka Dare who was changing the way the game was played. His coming was prophecised by Leonardo DiVinci and the man did not disappoint! Yinka's dominance of the NBA attracted attention from the CIA, he was framed for match fixing and forced out of the game. Later he would be assassinated after he threatened to blow the whistle on the Jordan conspiracy, making room for lesser players like Shawuille O'Neal (who was made from parts of Yinka's DNA) to take over the game.



To this day Yinka Dare's Come Dare With Me video series is illegal to be in possession of, or upload on youtube. Yinka's 'Triple Murder Crossover' remains illegal in 48 states because it broke too many ankles.

The next evolution came in 1996 when Steve Jobs and David Stern conspired to change the way the game was played once again. With help from MIT they created an android capable of playing basketball and got him drafted to the NBA. The name of that android was Kobe Bryant. Each year a new model was produced with improved attributes and groundbreaking new AI created by EA Sports. Sometimes the new sofware had some bad bugs that caused his programming to go haywire and make him rape somebody.

Regardless, Kobe continued to dominate the league until the secret blueprints were stolen by the devious John Crotty and other teams created their own robot players, like Lebron and D-Wade. Lets hope the drama of the NBA can continue for another 500 years.

illuminati pyramids on the moon...obama bird flu apocalypse in 2012

The illuminati is a group of evil white dudes that have been trying to rule the world since the begginning of time… in the beginnning reptilians were placed on this planet to have sex with humans and make a new race, a hybrid race that will live on Earth until its end and there goal is to control everything. They are some of the richest people on earth, they control our government and celeberties are used as puppets that are controlled by them… The media is under complete control by them… They want to create the new world order and they are doing it in the process… The illuminati control the media, and politics. There are known members, like Jay-z, Diddy, Jermaine Dupri, DJ Clue. They worship satan, and are working towards a new world order. And yes, the illuminati did kill tupac. He spoke out against them and he was shot soon after. So did michael jackson, and JFK. They want to create a “one world government”. They are going to dissolve the borders and put computer chips into our hands and foreheads. Some of us will be killed, and some will be used as puppets. If you don’t believe me, do some research. Youtube has plenty of videos on it. And the reason they don’t remove the videos is because it would draw more attention to it. And most people think it’s all bull, so they arent worried. But just keep an open mind! Illuminati controls the media. (ex. Government, music, and everything.) its better to do research on your own. Just look at your local Taco Bell sign. The bell has an eye. The symbol used most by Illuminati is the eye in the pyramid. ITS EVERYWHERE. 1 Dollar bills. Nick Jr. Everyday movies. Another used symbol is 911. Again its a movies. On Gremlins 2 the first reporters microphone has a “9″ and the reporter that has the microphone right next to it has “11″ 911. 911 is the emergency hotline. Check what Illuminati.com backwards (Itanimulli.com) redirects to...They’re not a real tight group though. It’s more of a network of influential people. It’s alot of entertainers. The Illuminati does have some rappers. Busta Rhymes was Illuminati. the rapper Guru led the Nyc Illuminati for awhile. DJ Clue has his NY group of Illuminati. One of their plans at the moment is to make a mixtape with all the hot artists on it...all the hot rappers and producers are being brought together by the Illuminati! Clue was kicked out of the Illuminati for talking too much on his mix tapes. He always bragged about his group on tapes called the “Clue, Clue, Cluminati”. The Illuminati aren’t a big thing anymore. They started alot of fighting amongst themselves. The FBI took apart alot of those secret societies. The Illuminati was known for changing leadership alot. People were constantly fighting for leadership of the group. There are several branches of the Illuminati, it’s not just one group. There was a west coast branch, an east coast branch and the group in Asia. Don’t even worry about Tupac. He’s still alive. So is Biggie Smalls. For real, that’s the truth. Sometimes they fake their death and reappear under a new identity. I know the guy who was Tupac, he’s pretty cool, he’s still alive for real. The Illuminati had put out a death warrant on Tupac for talking too much to the media. Biggie Smalls is still alive too but he’s using a different identity now. Whenever you hear that a celebrity has died, don’t even stress over it. They keep one identity here and another identity there. Nas used to be D Nice of Boogie Down Productions. Most people never noticed. Janet Jackson wasn’t selling as many cd’s so she started using Rhianna name and image to make new songs. That guy that played Judge Harry Stone on Nightcourt became Jerry Seinfeld. They switch identities to keep it seeming new. Illuminati is real i think but don’t just go look up any thing cuz for one there alot of bull shit on the web from what i understand is that they think god was to hared on the devil they think he should have got another chances so they believe he is still as gorgeous as he was when he was a angle and to let u you know the free mason and skulls and bones society are part of the Illuminati. i think there is one other one 2 from what i have read most of the riches people in the world are in it there are 17 families. There Is No Medicine Like An All Natural Key Lime Pie......One Time "Captain Kutchie Pelaez" Was In The Hospital For Kidney Stones And Was Labeled A Combative Patient When He Found Out That The Hospital Kitchen Staff Were Skimping On Ingedients In Their Key Lime Pies.....Well Seriously What The Hell Do You Expect When The King Of Key Lime (Lord Of Lords) Finds Out That Someone Has Been Perverting The Purest Of The Pure......As Our Friend "Clint" Eastwood Might Say "Make My Day!!!!!the new world order is suppose to create peace cuz its going to be a world with one government for everyone… wich means there will be peace…. they are gonna have to put fear into people and reduce the population in order for the new world order to work… its all suppose to happen in 2012… remember guys on the strong minded people will survive the events that will take place in 2012… everything will be staged too make it seem real to the people and convincing enough to put fear in people… human are basically just cattle that will be slaughtered if needed to be…

H0llywood Celebz Sp0tted!

A peek into the private lives of your favourite Hollywood celebs! Reports straight from the STREETS about what the stars get up to when the cameras are off. Now with a more international focus.


Hollywood's favourite Crocs wearer NICOLE KIDMAN was spotted lurking the streets of Sydney in the early hours of yesterday morning, drawing giant pentagrams on the ground with chalk and lighting candles. She kept checking her watch and looking up at the sky but nothing was happening, as far as I could tell.



Teen dream JUSTIN BEBER was allegedly seen scratching his twitter address into the back windows of the cars parked along his street. His mom isn’t going to be happy when she finds out what he did!



Babe TILA TEQUILA was seen out and about trying to catch pigeons! She was doing very well with a fishing rod using piees of spiced sausage as bait. She told me every pigeon she sells comes with a free copy of her mixtape. I managed to get away while she was trying to shove a bird into a tiny cage and close the latch.


I saw popular man about town MICHAEL BUBLE doing a roaring trade hustling cocaine from the back of his car underneath a bridge. He told me he needed the drug money to finance his new album. I explained that it was the wrong thing to do and managed to convince Buble to throw all his drugs in the river. Nobody go swimming in there, for a while!



I overheard the infamous trickster SHIA LaBEOUF trying to pick up a waitress at a cafe. He was asking what she would wish for if she found a magic lamp, he kept suggesting a box of Tim Tams that never runs out. He said he has a hookup that can get him as many Tim Tams as he wants. He put his hands into his pockets and pulled out like 8 Tim Tams. He got her number.




Spotted Hollywood patriarch TED DANSON outside a KFC protesting for PETA. He was stopping everyone who tried to go in, asking if they knew what’s in KFC’s burgers and telling them it was the endangered luck dragon. He didn’t hassle me too much but he told me fur is murder and he would never wear a mink coat again. Right on!


Human female KIM KARDASHIAN was spotted by a fan at a supermarket. She didn’t buy anything, she was just opening every box of cereal and feeling around inside with her hand. Hope she found what she was looking for!



Saw the legendary warlock MEL GIBSON at a screening of Black Swan. He kept complaining loudly that they weren’t dancing properly and none of the actors knew anything about dancing. He said he wanted a refund and he walked out but I saw him quickly duck into a different theatre.

THE GOAT; GAYEST RAPER OF ALL TIME

i nominate KRS ONE,,,



KRS sizes up another victim "HMMM....YOU WANNA BE FUCKED FROM BEHIND! [yes homo]"
krs is a legendary raper and OLDSCHOOL rap artist from the 1980s who terrorized new york. he is so gay that he was banned from marching in the gay pride parade because it would risk turning the whole city gay (and then who will be our firefighters and beat up criminals?)!! 

he has been well known in the gay community since a freestyle rap when he accidently said "oh btw i am gay". also known for his hit single "sound of The Police". some people have been critical of his stance that gayness is the 5th element of hip hop culture but he also has a lot of fans...many of them are gay.

here's to u, KRIS!