Alien Planet Supports Life, All Manchester United Fans

NASA held a press conference today confirming that the Voyager space probe had crashed on a previously unknown planet 8.2 light years from earth. As the damaged probe beamed back scientific data and video it was revealed that the alien beings who inhabit this world are huge fans of English soccer team Manchester United.

Head scientist Dr. Waleed Abdalati admitted he was baffled at first. As soon as the spherical Voyager probe crashed it was picked up by one of the local inhabitants and carried to one of the many nearby soccer pitches where humanoid creatures took turns dribbling and kicking it into an empty net, in an imitation of Ryan Giggs' 'goal of the century'. The indigenous life forms of the planet 61 Vir B are similar to humans, the main physiological differences being a larger cranium, a single eye instead of two and an intense obsession with all things Manchester United.

The probe also recorded footage of the surrounding streets, which are all named after former Manchester United players. A row of solid gold statues depicting former United star Cristiano Ronaldo stands on a nearby piazza. Twice a day the alien beings will stop whatever they are doing and run to a nearby TV to observe the sacred Manchester United training session. The local culture is quite advanced, they even have their own version of the internet which is conducted through futuristic fax machines however it is mostly used for fantasy football and streaming Sky Sports and MUTV so they can watch every minute of Manchester United matches and revel in their victories, despite living 7.75763329 × 10^16 meters away from Old Trafford.

NASA experts are divided about the ramifications of this amazing discovery. Dr Abdalati pondered "Does this mean signals from Earth were received by this fledgeling species or could Manchester United's genetic material be carried through space on a meteorite, populating many planets in the universe like a dandelion seed floating on cosmic winds? It could also indicate that Manchester United is an inherent property of space-time itself, guaranteed to manifest itself wherever intelligent life is found."

The latest signals from Voyager have revealed that the locals are gearing up for the end of the season, preparing for the time when they must all become Los Angeles Lakers fans.

Basketball Jones: Secret NBA History including Yinka Dare and the Jordan Conspiracy

In this regular new feature I will report on the happenings around the National BBall Angrymen (NBA). All sports fans know that basketball has been CANCELLED FOREVER due to a lack of interest. Only 4 teams wanted to enter the league this season...what a piece of shit. In the meantime lets look back over the history of America's Game...

In 1734 Dr Julius Erving discovered basketball after he got bored and started throwing large orange balls into a peach basket. He was committed to a mental institution where the game took off, and the NBA was born. In those days the game was very different; fundamentals like dunking and dribbling were banned and only white people were allowed to play.

The popularity of the game spread overseas during the Cold War years, with China taking an interest in the development of players. Two professional B-ball players sent their son to China to be moulded into the ultimate killing machine and baller, that child's name was Michael Jordan.



Jordan cut his teeth in operations for the secret joint China-American government in the 1970s, killing thousands of dissidents in South American countries as part of a black-ops death squad that also included Sam Bowie and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Finally he was drafted to the Chicago Cows in 1985 and the legend was born, he averaged an incredible 3.55 turnovers per game in his rookie year.

However critics have alleged that Jordan's amazing statistics are not legit; there are documented cases where the referees would call a foul or even a timeout when one of Jordan's shots was about to miss. Opposition players were often called for fouling Jordan when they were on the other side of the court or sitting on the bench. Sometimes points scored by Luc Longley (one of the most underrated players of all time) would mysteriously turn up on Jordan's box score, and the scorers claimed that they couldn't tell the players apart.

In one 1994 playoff game against the New York Knicks Jordan had not scored a single point in the first half, so the referee allowed him to stand under the basket at halftime and throw the ball through the hoop 20 times, and for some reason each shot counted as a 3 pointer. The other team were allowed to guard him during this time but they were forced to do so while standing in their coach's technical area which made it very difficult indeed.

Another controversial moment was when the NBA decided to count Michael Jordan's games in Bill Murray's movie Space Jam towards his career totals, causing his ppg to skyrocket and Jordanmania to grip Britain and the world. The cash was rolling in and China were making their investment back off all the shoes and singlets they were selling.

But there was one problem for Jordan and his band of Manchurian mercenaries: a young kid named Yinka Dare who was changing the way the game was played. His coming was prophecised by Leonardo DiVinci and the man did not disappoint! Yinka's dominance of the NBA attracted attention from the CIA, he was framed for match fixing and forced out of the game. Later he would be assassinated after he threatened to blow the whistle on the Jordan conspiracy, making room for lesser players like Shawuille O'Neal (who was made from parts of Yinka's DNA) to take over the game.



To this day Yinka Dare's Come Dare With Me video series is illegal to be in possession of, or upload on youtube. Yinka's 'Triple Murder Crossover' remains illegal in 48 states because it broke too many ankles.

The next evolution came in 1996 when Steve Jobs and David Stern conspired to change the way the game was played once again. With help from MIT they created an android capable of playing basketball and got him drafted to the NBA. The name of that android was Kobe Bryant. Each year a new model was produced with improved attributes and groundbreaking new AI created by EA Sports. Sometimes the new sofware had some bad bugs that caused his programming to go haywire and make him rape somebody.

Regardless, Kobe continued to dominate the league until the secret blueprints were stolen by the devious John Crotty and other teams created their own robot players, like Lebron and D-Wade. Lets hope the drama of the NBA can continue for another 500 years.

Melbourne Victory and Liverpool fans in tears

The football season has gone from bad to worse for 2 clubs on opposite sides of the globe. Liverpool and Melbourne have failed so hard that many are wondering if either club will be around for next season.

Former European giants LIVERPOOL have had one of the worst seasons in the history of world football, with humiliating losses to Stoke, Michael Bolton and famously shitty team Spurs.

Star striker Stevie Gerrard has admitted that the club are not playing well. In a post match press conference he told reporters that he was sick of losing every week and had been calling other clubs asking if he could come and maybe play a match for them or even just sit on the bench.

To make matters worse, former 'Pool favourite Fernando Torres missed a shot on an open goal, prompting many pundits to question whether he has ever scored a goal before or even knows how to kick a ball through the 2 white posts.

Crowd attendance at Liverpool games has been falling since they were overtaken by Manchester City as the 4th best team in English football. With fan support and popularity hitting rock bottom this season, many pundits are wondering if the club will ever recover.

Meanwhile in Australia, fallen "glamour club" MELBOURNE VICTORY are doing no better. The club recently made a deal to sign journeyman winger (who never tracks back) Harry Kewell. Unfortunately he tore both his achillies tendons while getting off the plane, it looks like he will be out of action for about 4 years.

According to football writer Philip Micallef, Kewell could be banned from playing in the A-League: "Kewell has yet to put pen on paper and it could all end up in tears because the Socceroos hero will be barred from playing in the A-League unless he signs a Standard Player Contract (SPC) like everybody else...Banning Kewell would be a highly unpopular and controversial measure but one that FFA would be well within its right to take."

The problem is that Kewell has signed multiple sponsorship deals with errectile dysfnction companies, in a hope to enlarge his own penis and bank account.

Even with Kewell on their side, doubts remain about Melbourne's chances this season. Many pundits have already written them off, expecting the fallen giants to be a mid-table team at best, possibly sneaking into the finals with a bit of luck. Meanwhile, rivals SYDNEY FC have strengthened their squad with star Socceroo Brett Emerton who has said he wants Harry Kewell's head on a pike by the end of the season.