Alien Planet Supports Life, All Manchester United Fans

NASA held a press conference today confirming that the Voyager space probe had crashed on a previously unknown planet 8.2 light years from earth. As the damaged probe beamed back scientific data and video it was revealed that the alien beings who inhabit this world are huge fans of English soccer team Manchester United.

Head scientist Dr. Waleed Abdalati admitted he was baffled at first. As soon as the spherical Voyager probe crashed it was picked up by one of the local inhabitants and carried to one of the many nearby soccer pitches where humanoid creatures took turns dribbling and kicking it into an empty net, in an imitation of Ryan Giggs' 'goal of the century'. The indigenous life forms of the planet 61 Vir B are similar to humans, the main physiological differences being a larger cranium, a single eye instead of two and an intense obsession with all things Manchester United.

The probe also recorded footage of the surrounding streets, which are all named after former Manchester United players. A row of solid gold statues depicting former United star Cristiano Ronaldo stands on a nearby piazza. Twice a day the alien beings will stop whatever they are doing and run to a nearby TV to observe the sacred Manchester United training session. The local culture is quite advanced, they even have their own version of the internet which is conducted through futuristic fax machines however it is mostly used for fantasy football and streaming Sky Sports and MUTV so they can watch every minute of Manchester United matches and revel in their victories, despite living 7.75763329 × 10^16 meters away from Old Trafford.

NASA experts are divided about the ramifications of this amazing discovery. Dr Abdalati pondered "Does this mean signals from Earth were received by this fledgeling species or could Manchester United's genetic material be carried through space on a meteorite, populating many planets in the universe like a dandelion seed floating on cosmic winds? It could also indicate that Manchester United is an inherent property of space-time itself, guaranteed to manifest itself wherever intelligent life is found."

The latest signals from Voyager have revealed that the locals are gearing up for the end of the season, preparing for the time when they must all become Los Angeles Lakers fans.

Melbourne Victory and Liverpool fans in tears

The football season has gone from bad to worse for 2 clubs on opposite sides of the globe. Liverpool and Melbourne have failed so hard that many are wondering if either club will be around for next season.

Former European giants LIVERPOOL have had one of the worst seasons in the history of world football, with humiliating losses to Stoke, Michael Bolton and famously shitty team Spurs.

Star striker Stevie Gerrard has admitted that the club are not playing well. In a post match press conference he told reporters that he was sick of losing every week and had been calling other clubs asking if he could come and maybe play a match for them or even just sit on the bench.

To make matters worse, former 'Pool favourite Fernando Torres missed a shot on an open goal, prompting many pundits to question whether he has ever scored a goal before or even knows how to kick a ball through the 2 white posts.

Crowd attendance at Liverpool games has been falling since they were overtaken by Manchester City as the 4th best team in English football. With fan support and popularity hitting rock bottom this season, many pundits are wondering if the club will ever recover.

Meanwhile in Australia, fallen "glamour club" MELBOURNE VICTORY are doing no better. The club recently made a deal to sign journeyman winger (who never tracks back) Harry Kewell. Unfortunately he tore both his achillies tendons while getting off the plane, it looks like he will be out of action for about 4 years.

According to football writer Philip Micallef, Kewell could be banned from playing in the A-League: "Kewell has yet to put pen on paper and it could all end up in tears because the Socceroos hero will be barred from playing in the A-League unless he signs a Standard Player Contract (SPC) like everybody else...Banning Kewell would be a highly unpopular and controversial measure but one that FFA would be well within its right to take."

The problem is that Kewell has signed multiple sponsorship deals with errectile dysfnction companies, in a hope to enlarge his own penis and bank account.

Even with Kewell on their side, doubts remain about Melbourne's chances this season. Many pundits have already written them off, expecting the fallen giants to be a mid-table team at best, possibly sneaking into the finals with a bit of luck. Meanwhile, rivals SYDNEY FC have strengthened their squad with star Socceroo Brett Emerton who has said he wants Harry Kewell's head on a pike by the end of the season.

SKIPHOPZ TRAVEL EXTRAVAGANZA

Skiphopz is back with a bumper travel issue. In this new regular feature I will tell you how to travel the world and become a more cultured citizen of the internet like me.

PART 1: FRANCE

Gay Paree is situated conveniently in the middle of Europa and is a favourite destination of travelpeople around the world. There are many attractions to see and try, such as standing around near the Eiffel Tower (a French knockoff of the Statue of Liberty) and eating sticks of bread called Yiros. While you're in the country, why not partake in some of the famous cheeses and wines? Some of the most popular are 'heroin' and 'cocaine'.

Getting around in France is easy, you can rent one of the famous European hatchbacks such as the Ford Focus. I would not recommend riding a bicycle in France because based on what I've seen on TV you have to be PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.

 

Other popular French pass times include having gay sex and visiting the museum of French War Heroes (don't worry, it only takes a few minutes).

Why Does Eminem Hate Poland?

POLISH fans of the real Slim Shady have experienced a relapse of their infinite sadness, as the Eminem show has yet again passed over their fine country (which is in a period of economic recovery), causing fans to cry "Without me!??"...just like toy soldiers. Encore.


We all know that feel

Much like Eminem's fictional biggest fan, Stan, the Polish public are pissed off and possibly ready to engage in a tragic murder/suicide over the fact that the white rap singer's latest tour dates do not include the land of waffles and eggplants.

The first rumors indicating that Eminem might hate Poland began to surface in 2003 after an interview with Spin magazine where Eminem was quoted saying "I don't not hate Poland" and "Why can't we just wipe Poland off the map?"

Lars, who works at Warsaw record shop 'Muzant', said that although many of his customers are concerned about the issue, Eminem's views on Poland have not damaged his popularity. "Every week someone asks me when Eminem is coming! Given the number of Eminem appearances in our fine country (zero) I think it's safe to say that he really hates us. What did we ever do to him?"


An artist's rendition of the face Eminem made as he vomited over a Polish flag and lit it on fire

Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs Radoslaw Sikorski was less enthusiastic about the prospect of a visit from Marshall Mathers, citing his facial hair as a potential stumbling block. "Mr Eminem will either shave that stubble or grow a beard before I will allow him into the country. He looks like a boy!"

The drama continues. It remains to be seen whether the real Slim Shady has a guilty conscience but we will have to wait and see if he will visit Poland to sing, for the moment.