"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

Reuters
Vatican City
June 26, 2013

In a move that has shocked religious fanatics around the globe, Pope Francis has named Kanye West as an official Saint of the Catholic Church.

The announcement was especially surprising because the process of canonization usually takes decades. Francis told reporters that he "Stepped up and made an executive decision" by making Kanye a Saint, effective immediately. He continued, "Kanye is the greatest producer to ever live, he has changed the rap game several times since bringing the soul sound back with his dope album 'The College Dropout'. And his rhymes are off the hook as well."

'Da Hip Hop Pope' shares a bong with worshippers in downtown Chicago

Potential Saints must perform at least 3 (three) miracles before they can be accepted into the pantheon. Pope Francis cited the famous car accident in 2002, which Kanye escaped with his life and a broken jaw. The other miracles cited were Kanye West's "visionary beats and compelling rhymes".

Kanye has spoken about his faith many times and referenced it in his songs such as 'Jesus Walks' and 'I am a God', the latter is from his latest album 'Yeezus'.

When asked for comment Kanye said he would consider moving to Heaven to live with the other saints, but it would not be the end of his career. He tweeted a message to his fans indicating he deserved to be even higher in the Church, he could still become Pope, Archangel, Jesus Christ or even God.

A new portrait of Saint West has been commissioned to hang in the Vatican lobby

Fellow rap megastar Drake was less than impressed with the news. He took out his phone and waved it around, trying to show reporters a photo of an Indian totem-pole with his face crudley carved into the side "Look I'mma God too!"

Aussie rap songs for you're mom: PHATCHANCE (Chance Waters)

PHATCHANCE (now known as "The Chance Waters") has been known to attempt insane stunts to get attention, such as getting a facepaint tattoo of his own name on his face. These crazy actions have caught the attention of our best radio producers and got him on the playlist of greatest artists ever, which is when your mum heard about him.

 Not being covered in paint was considered "too mainstream"

The young lad made a name for himself through his frequent facepaint parties held at various gay bars around Melbourne, which featured his infamous improv rapping routine. Rather than resting on his laurels, Phatchance made a music video where people painted all over his body. He accidently inhaled fumes from the paint thinner and the Inkstains album was the result. Mums around the country were captivated by the rhyming of this non-threatening lad on Inkstains, but they complained that it still wasnt soft enough so Phatchance also released an acoustic version.

Chance Waters rolling deep

Acoustic success as a crossover indie rapper was not enough for Chance Waters, and in 2012 he decided to take over the world with his new album Maybe Tomorrow (maybe this time somebody will listen to the whole thing all the way through!). It's looking good so far, several mums have already added him as a facebook friend, retweeted him and thumbed up his youtube videos.

No doubt Chance Waters is one to watch, a rising star in the mum-rap genre.
He is a friend of SKIPHOPZ.com so plz like him: http://www.facebook.com/officialphatchance

CHANCE WATERS - AWARDS AND ACCOLADES
#2 on the jagermeister radio charts
Feature artist on Triple J Unearthed 2009
Voted 'lamest hook ever' on hiphopsphere.com forum poll
Queen of Facebook
Numerous battle wins on ozhiphop.com battle board
Best rap singer on Nurcha
Voted best lyricist by Womens Weekly reader poll
Playboy Playmate November 2006
#42 on itunes rap charts
Added to rotation on Triple J, a rock station ran by major queers
Nominated Aria award for best guitar strumming in a rap song (not a real award)

Hip Hop Jobs

As part of my ongoing service to the unemployed brothers out there I will be reposting select job ads from SERCH; the hip hop employment website.

DJs WANTED
nO EXPERIENCE NECESSARy!!!!!!!!!
Disc Jockeys > Club
We are looking for fun guys and gals to become DJs at our'r hot club's. Enjoy a fun, exciting environment!

U will need to know how to push a buttan on youre turn table that starts and stops the spinning. A Certificate III in Turntable Operation will be an advantage. U will also need a hot knowledge of club bangers from 2010-2012. We will train u in how to crab scratch (3 weeks unpaid training).

U can also use a ipod and our high level DJ MixMan software.


A FEW GOOD HYPE MEN
Live Performance > Hype Men!!!!!
Exciting new position with loads of variety and scope! Our crew is seeking experienced hype men for our upcoming tour! Must perform above 60 HPM (you will be tested) with 80% punchline accuracy!

Duties include jumping around on stage and shouting certain words into a microphone! Successful applicant will have a bubbly personality and the proven ability to multi-task!

Previous applicants or people who trip over microphone cords need not apply!

SEEKING GRILL CADDY

Misc > Jewelery

Do you want a flexible job that allows you to pick the kids up from school? Get the balance right.

I am looking for someone to manage my large collection of grills. You will be on-hand at studio sessions, gigs and rap events to suggest the optimal grill for the situation. Some of my grills contain spinners which must be kept in constant rotation so you will need a high level of patience and attention to detail, and the ability to reach inside my mouth while I am rapping.

To be successful in this position you will need an eye for grills and the ability to improvise in the event of a dental emergency. Must be willing to locate to Atlanta.

WILL RAP FOR FOOD

>Freelancers

Hello, my name is Nasir and I am willing to rap for you. I have a reputation as one of the greatest of all time, ask anyone.

I could perform services like modelling various outfits for you, or washing your car. If you're recording a rap video maybe I could drive past in the background. I can be your friend on Facebook and thumb your Youtube videos. I have extensive experience with CISCO routers and Lotus Notes. If your friend is in jail I can help you compose a letter to him. I am also available to ghostwrite mediocre rap songs.

Work history:
1994 - Released Illmatic
2001 - Released Stillmatic and had beef with Jay-Z, one of the greatest of all time.
2007 - Released my Greatest Hits

Tha Kerser - The Nebulizer REVIEWED

The wee laddie KERSER made a name for himself by (alledgedly) selling 3000 copies of his hot mixtape, without any distro or even brushing his teeth. I also writted about his youtube video which has blown up. His name has created quite a buzz around the homeland of Aussie hip hop; Sydney's North Shore, causing lads to shout "Kerser is the sickest" in the streets.

Now THE NEBULIZER is released, the debut (or 'de butt', as the case may be) album from infamous lad rapper KERSER.

The hotbeats on this album were made by Uncle Nevs from Goonbag Radio. There are some cool joints with innovating rhythms more common to a discotech of the 1940s (Hitler Rap) but with a lot more swearing. These dumb Casio ringtone beats are enough to leave the true rap pioneers spinning in their graves.

This lad will go down in history as the true Aussie Eminem...if Eminem was produced by a shitty Justice cover band. The best track on THE NEBULIZER is "Gonna Get Hi Today", a smooth R&B joint all about smoking your boyfriend's cock. Think about that for a minute.



All of the hooks are terrible, with dumb lyrics like "Do the KERS bitch". These songs are sure to be a huge hit among blithering idiots with no mental capacity. There are also some guest appearances from some lame nobodies in Kerser's crew that will have you throwing bottles at your stereo and yelling at it to stop.

The topics covered by THE KERSER'S range from "Kerser is the sickest" and "Kerser is the dopest" to "Don't fuck with Kerser". Something for everyone...as long as youre a lad on Kerser's dick. THE NEBULIZER seems to be a pretty popular album so far, it even made top of the pops on iTunes! It's a shame Kerser swears so much and is a total jerk to everyone he meets...otherwise his music would get major airplay on Nova for sure!

I give this album a thumbs up. 4 Harolds out of 5, but don't take my word for it.


How can u argue with this? (Pic from Kerser's Facebook page)

Get to know Kerser...THE KERSER FACTS:

• He doesnt own a suit (why would he?)
• He has the Chinese symbol for "I suck dirty dicks for money" tattooed on his arse
• He got the idea to become a rapper when he saw Will Smith in Wild Wild West
• Other lads refer to KERSER as "The Chosen One"
• His cousin is Andrew G from Video Hits
• The Devil tried to buy his soul at the crossroads but Kerser's crew rolled him and ran off with his shoes
• He has a huge dick, that thing is friggin ginormous. He showed it to me on MSN.

RAPPER REPORT CARD
THE KERSER
Vocabulary: 6
Articulation: 8
Creativity: 7
Originality: 8
Versatility: 8
Voice: 6
Records: 7
Stage Presence: 7
Sticking to Themes: 6
Innovating Rhythms: 9
72/100, C
"Take Pride in Your Work"

Melbourne Victory and Liverpool fans in tears

The football season has gone from bad to worse for 2 clubs on opposite sides of the globe. Liverpool and Melbourne have failed so hard that many are wondering if either club will be around for next season.

Former European giants LIVERPOOL have had one of the worst seasons in the history of world football, with humiliating losses to Stoke, Michael Bolton and famously shitty team Spurs.

Star striker Stevie Gerrard has admitted that the club are not playing well. In a post match press conference he told reporters that he was sick of losing every week and had been calling other clubs asking if he could come and maybe play a match for them or even just sit on the bench.

To make matters worse, former 'Pool favourite Fernando Torres missed a shot on an open goal, prompting many pundits to question whether he has ever scored a goal before or even knows how to kick a ball through the 2 white posts.

Crowd attendance at Liverpool games has been falling since they were overtaken by Manchester City as the 4th best team in English football. With fan support and popularity hitting rock bottom this season, many pundits are wondering if the club will ever recover.

Meanwhile in Australia, fallen "glamour club" MELBOURNE VICTORY are doing no better. The club recently made a deal to sign journeyman winger (who never tracks back) Harry Kewell. Unfortunately he tore both his achillies tendons while getting off the plane, it looks like he will be out of action for about 4 years.

According to football writer Philip Micallef, Kewell could be banned from playing in the A-League: "Kewell has yet to put pen on paper and it could all end up in tears because the Socceroos hero will be barred from playing in the A-League unless he signs a Standard Player Contract (SPC) like everybody else...Banning Kewell would be a highly unpopular and controversial measure but one that FFA would be well within its right to take."

The problem is that Kewell has signed multiple sponsorship deals with errectile dysfnction companies, in a hope to enlarge his own penis and bank account.

Even with Kewell on their side, doubts remain about Melbourne's chances this season. Many pundits have already written them off, expecting the fallen giants to be a mid-table team at best, possibly sneaking into the finals with a bit of luck. Meanwhile, rivals SYDNEY FC have strengthened their squad with star Socceroo Brett Emerton who has said he wants Harry Kewell's head on a pike by the end of the season.