Rap News Roundup - September 2013

Disgraced diva Rihanna was looking no worse for wear following her kidnapping at the hands of Somali Pirates. She was seen at the beach hollering something about a tsunami warning system, whatever that means. I think she was looking for a marine biologist but nobody could understand her accent. The water at this beach has receded really far!

Rap superstar Eminem walked into the Detroit DMV and announced he would pay for everyone's motor vehicle insurance. He was in a great mood until I began to pester him with questions. Pestered him for a good 5 minutes before his handlers escorted me away. Still no word on Detox, btw.

Reports indicate that vegan rapper Phatchance was seen at a local park surrounded by kittens. He had a variety of nuts and legumes roasting on the communal BBQ. He asked if I wanted a 'steak' as I slowly backed away and broke into a mad dash.

I spotted Ludacris at my 5-year-old cousin's birthday party on the weekend. Luda was folding party balloons into obscene shapes and waving them around. Nobody invited him but he was definitely the life of the party!

Your Boy Bangs has allegedly locked himself in a sporting goods store and is staging mock battles from WW2 using cricket equipment. Perhaps filming a viral video for his new mixtape?

Aussie rap songs for you're mom: PHATCHANCE (Chance Waters)

PHATCHANCE (now known as "The Chance Waters") has been known to attempt insane stunts to get attention, such as getting a facepaint tattoo of his own name on his face. These crazy actions have caught the attention of our best radio producers and got him on the playlist of greatest artists ever, which is when your mum heard about him.

 Not being covered in paint was considered "too mainstream"

The young lad made a name for himself through his frequent facepaint parties held at various gay bars around Melbourne, which featured his infamous improv rapping routine. Rather than resting on his laurels, Phatchance made a music video where people painted all over his body. He accidently inhaled fumes from the paint thinner and the Inkstains album was the result. Mums around the country were captivated by the rhyming of this non-threatening lad on Inkstains, but they complained that it still wasnt soft enough so Phatchance also released an acoustic version.

Chance Waters rolling deep

Acoustic success as a crossover indie rapper was not enough for Chance Waters, and in 2012 he decided to take over the world with his new album Maybe Tomorrow (maybe this time somebody will listen to the whole thing all the way through!). It's looking good so far, several mums have already added him as a facebook friend, retweeted him and thumbed up his youtube videos.

No doubt Chance Waters is one to watch, a rising star in the mum-rap genre.
He is a friend of SKIPHOPZ.com so plz like him: http://www.facebook.com/officialphatchance

CHANCE WATERS - AWARDS AND ACCOLADES
#2 on the jagermeister radio charts
Feature artist on Triple J Unearthed 2009
Voted 'lamest hook ever' on hiphopsphere.com forum poll
Queen of Facebook
Numerous battle wins on ozhiphop.com battle board
Best rap singer on Nurcha
Voted best lyricist by Womens Weekly reader poll
Playboy Playmate November 2006
#42 on itunes rap charts
Added to rotation on Triple J, a rock station ran by major queers
Nominated Aria award for best guitar strumming in a rap song (not a real award)

Aussie Rap Celeb Sightings

Hip hop hottie IGGY AZALEA was smoking hot at Bondi Beach yesterday. She was directing some young children to build a BMX track out of sand. Somebody tried to explain that you cant ride bikes on sand and the tide was coming in but she soldiered on regardless.

I just had a close encounter with the main man CHANCE WATERS at McDonalds. He was holding up the drive-thru by ordering nothing but fries and salads, asking the cashier how the lettuce and potatoes were transported. After delivering his monologue he eventually drove away without getting anything.

Rap battle dude DECOY was allegedly seen officiating a rap battle between 2 dogs in a supermarket carpark. He gave up after his Shure SM58 became covered in drool, declaring that the dogs had squashed the beef and it was time to move on.

I saw rapping sensation 360 at my local gym, he is there all the time. Once again he was wiping sweat off the exercise machines and squeezing it into tiny green bottles, I couldn't get close enough to read the yellowing labels. I hope he gets enough sweat!

The New Face of Phatchance

The infamous Sydney folk/rap singer "Phatchance" will now be known as "Chance Waters". The announcement was announced shortly after Phatchance admitted he did not vote for Skiphopz in the Ozhiphop Journalist of the Year poll. A crime for which he can never be forgiven.

He wrote the following on social networking website "The Face Book":

I decided it was time for a change. When I was 16 and started out performing Phatchance was a great name for me

[citation needed]

I was a battle rapper and it suited what I was doing really well, with my second album nearly finished and hopefully with my music maturing I felt like it was time to make a change, a lot of you already know me as Chance Waters so hopefully you'll listen to my music in that guise too. ♥ as always - Chance

Good luck to you, bro.

Of course readers can expect to find the scathing review of the new Chance Waters album right here on SkipHopZ, as soon as I can find a megaupload link for it.

f0rum n00B unofficla REMIX: PHATCHANCE - I DONT KNOW

we got dat hoverdog swag

NEW RELEASE: phatchance - inkstains acoustic version

PHATCHANCE is the latest hot raper, but I cant remember what label he is on. No doubt he is exploring gorgeous new places with his acoustic rap singing, he was even a featured artist on the long dead website MYSPACE DOT COM.

He made a name for himself among hipster circles by selling fairly floss at the frequent rollerskating face painting parties around sydney. PHATCHANCE would rap to customers while he spun the stick around the fairly floss machine. some people started encouraging him to put out an album and the rest is history. its a heart warming tale about a man who grew up in the swinery! he paid though.

His debut (or "da butt" as the case may be) is all about his journey from humble circus performer to rap superstar and the darling of radio DJs nation wide (a clue that his album probably sucks ass!). For those of us who thought Inkstains had a little bit too much electronics on it there is the new acoustic version (*cough*HilltopHoodsRestrung*cough*) which includes varied instruments such as the guitar, the acoustic guitar, the banjo and the french horn. its like Nirvana unplugged except folk music is not grunge and Phatchance is not Kurt Cobain.



"this lost lamb is desperate for a soft landing"

As far as raps go, PHATCHANCE likes to complain a lot and talk about his feelings, making Lupe Fiasco sound like Lil Fame. He explores deep and meaningful themes like cheating on your wife or sucking sumones dick to get a promotion but he also talks about gettin paid. but you cant even dance to it! and its not nearly offensive enough for my taste. Id rather listen to TWISTA any day of the week! that guy got mad skills and he hip hop.

I recommend this EP to anyone who hates rap music. a perfect gift for your auntie or sister.

but dont take my word for it, heres what others are saying...

"the term 'flogging a dead horse' comes to mind." - Joe Hockey MP

"the instrumentation is organic and lush" - FID76BRA

"It's not wack, what Inkstains is Hip-Hop" - Fubex

vist phat chance on tha internet! http://www.officialphatchance.com/