Rap News Roundup - September 2013

Disgraced diva Rihanna was looking no worse for wear following her kidnapping at the hands of Somali Pirates. She was seen at the beach hollering something about a tsunami warning system, whatever that means. I think she was looking for a marine biologist but nobody could understand her accent. The water at this beach has receded really far!

Rap superstar Eminem walked into the Detroit DMV and announced he would pay for everyone's motor vehicle insurance. He was in a great mood until I began to pester him with questions. Pestered him for a good 5 minutes before his handlers escorted me away. Still no word on Detox, btw.

Reports indicate that vegan rapper Phatchance was seen at a local park surrounded by kittens. He had a variety of nuts and legumes roasting on the communal BBQ. He asked if I wanted a 'steak' as I slowly backed away and broke into a mad dash.

I spotted Ludacris at my 5-year-old cousin's birthday party on the weekend. Luda was folding party balloons into obscene shapes and waving them around. Nobody invited him but he was definitely the life of the party!

Your Boy Bangs has allegedly locked himself in a sporting goods store and is staging mock battles from WW2 using cricket equipment. Perhaps filming a viral video for his new mixtape?

Jackie Chan Not Dead

It has come to the attention of SKIP HOPZ DOT COM that famous movieman Jackie "Channers" Chan is alive and well. The news has come as a shock to millions of fans who thought he was dead following a post on popular truth website Yahoo Answers:

Yes he is dead, he died on set of his asian meets black comedy Mush Dower 4. Piss Blucker was going around the set swinging his leg around trying to act like he knew something about martial arts. Then, all of a sudden, the asswipe kicks a shelf that is holding loaded glock 17s, they all fell to the ground and as they hit the ground the guns went off.

They all fired and every single bullet hit Jackie in the face except for one, which hit him in the ear. Piss Blucker then decided to go to his trailer and snorted large amounts of baking soda. By the time the police got him out of his trailer he turned white due to all the stuff he snorted, then, he died after that. Piss Blucker never said he was sorry, for Jackies death.

At Skiphopz we believe that truth and integrity is the cornerstone of journalism and we stand by all our previous stories, as well as the stories on our sister site TheGlobalDaily.net (which is still under maintenance following the attacks by Chinese Hackors and The Script Kiddies)

Chris Brown finally stands up to Rihanna

In a move that has rocked the entertainment world, famous crooning rapman Chris Brown has taken legal action his ex-girlfriend Rihanna. He is asking for $10 million in damages and a restraining order against Rihanna to stop her spreading her genital herpes from Barbados.

"Rihanna gave me herpes and then when I threatened to file a lawsuit against her for not telling me she was infested with genital blisters she began to hit herself in the face and throw herself into walls just as Jim Carrey did in the movie 'Liar, Liar."

"Then she turned around and blamed me for the matter as a form of punishment."

"I woke up with three blisters on my penis ... this isn't just a regular case of American herpes, this is a case of Herpes from Barbados, which is most likely lethal."

Brown has employed an expensive team of lawyers to push his case and will be calling Jim Carrey as an expert witness to demonstrate the way somebody can hit themself in the face and crush their own head in a toilet. Jim Carrey has stuck by his best friend Chris Brown ever since the wicked whore Rihanna came into his life and destroyed it. We at SkipHopz Dot Com will continue to support Chris Brown and hope he can find the justice he has been missing for so long.

Rihanna (if that is her real name) could not be reached for commnent, at the time of writing she was most likely summoning a demon with the help of the illuminati and making up more lies about Chris Brown from her Palace of Thorns in Barbados.

Peter Andre Bites Talib Kweli

 

 Portrait of a biter

Underground rap singer Talib Kweli is recovering in hospital tonight after being bitten by a crazed Peter Andre.

The surprising incident took place in the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Kweli was signing autographs for fans when he was interrupted by a crazed Peter Andre who flung himself at the rap singer. Andre bit Kweli on the face and jaw before latching onto his arm and removing a strip of flesh. He was restrained by hotel security but managed to escape while they attempted to contact police. He was heard running away while yelling "It was love at first bite! I will find you again Talib, nobody can keep us apart!"

 

Kweli was shaken by the incident but he remains in good spirits. He was quoted saying "I feel bad for Peter, he is in a dark place right now and I honestly wish him the best."

Andre could not be reached for comment. His agent released a statement saying "This is an uncharacteristic biting by Peter. I'm sure it was a misunderstanding and he will emerge from hiding soon to explain himself." Police have asked anyone with information about his whereabouts to contact Crime Stoppers, you can remain anonymous if you wish.

Peter Andre was one the biggest and amazing sensational artists of the 1990s who created a fad among all the music lovers across the globe with his illustrious and stunning, ”Mysterious Girl” and who still continues to amaze his fans by his flair. He doesn't have any known diseases so its no big deal if he bites you. The accomplished performer is well known for his brilliant come back in 2006 who rocked the UK charts with his album A Whole New World. After the spectacular musical success of the album, Peter Andre continues to delight his fans with all the astonishing albums. Be it Revelation (2009) – with dark lyrics which was a bit different from his previous style, Unconditional : Love Songs (2011) or Accelerate (2010) which entered the UK charts in its first week.

Egg Addiction Ruins Local Rap Crew

Famous rap gadabouts "The Crate Cartel" have gone into receivership (basically means they are broke as fuck and their parents had to bail them out). Have they hung up their goonbags for good?

Crate Cartel has been home to such lovable acts as "The Goatmob" and "Big Maundz" who created a stir in the local scene with their mix of rapping and power ballads for young men of the streets. But the highs of rap stardom proved too much for Crate Cartel founder Geko. While his label-mates were saving for home loan deposits or investing in stocks and bonds, Geko used his rap money to buy ever more extravagant and delicate  Fabergé eggs.

It’s hard not to see the Fabergé eggs as a metaphor for the local hip hop scene, a final, ostentatious flourish of European aristocracy: beautiful, hugely costly, useless, even silly.

Find out more and inquire about buying one of the famous eggs here: http://cratecartel.com/

Achtung! Child Rapper 360 Missing, Feared Kidnapped!

Legendary Austrian rapper 360 has been missing since Monday and many fear he has been kidnapped.

The troubles started on Sunday night, 360's mum said he didn't return home for dinner. Earlier in the day he apparently said "I'm going out to rap". Several sources close to the 360 family say he was going to battle his nemesis Kerser (the sickest).

an artist's impression of 360 chained up in a basement, kidnapped by the Ministry of Sound

360's Facebook page went into full scale meltdown as the news spread. Many fans shared the status "Where is 360?" and expressed their outrage that his bodyguards would allow Kerser to make a move. Is this all part of Kerser's devious endgame?

The Victorian Police declined to comment on the matter. We here at Skiphopz.com hope they will join us in praying for the safe return of oz hiphopper 360.

To all the young rappers out there: please keep it on wax.

The news of 360's kidnapping comes as Kerser revealed on Facebook that he has AIDS. He contracted the fatal disease by sharing needles with his lads. Our hearts go out to Kerser and his crew of runabouts.

Zac Hanson Purchases Swimming Pool Full of Cocaine

The littlest Hanson brother has made waves in the celebrity swimming community by filling his backyard pool with cocaine. Inspired by his hero Tony Montana, Zac Hanson (26) recently purchased the white Colombian gold from a contact he made during his time in the music industry.





The 25-metre pool has become a controversial fixture in Zac's Tulsa neighbourhood. Some residents have complained about the all-night cocaine parties, which often include Hanson music played at a loud volume, and parents have warned their children never to go swimming at the Hanson residence. Local police are concerned but there is nothing they can do about it.



Zac had been saving up his royalties from the hit single "MMM...Bop" for 15 years, waiting until he could afford enough cocaine to fill his pool. While his older brothers were racing their Ferraris and riding jetskis around their castle moats Zac was living modestly, only spending on the bare essentials. During a candid interview he expressed his heartfelt thanks to all the fans who bought the single and made his extreme cocaine dream a reality.

Why Does Eminem Hate Poland?

POLISH fans of the real Slim Shady have experienced a relapse of their infinite sadness, as the Eminem show has yet again passed over their fine country (which is in a period of economic recovery), causing fans to cry "Without me!??"...just like toy soldiers. Encore.


We all know that feel

Much like Eminem's fictional biggest fan, Stan, the Polish public are pissed off and possibly ready to engage in a tragic murder/suicide over the fact that the white rap singer's latest tour dates do not include the land of waffles and eggplants.

The first rumors indicating that Eminem might hate Poland began to surface in 2003 after an interview with Spin magazine where Eminem was quoted saying "I don't not hate Poland" and "Why can't we just wipe Poland off the map?"

Lars, who works at Warsaw record shop 'Muzant', said that although many of his customers are concerned about the issue, Eminem's views on Poland have not damaged his popularity. "Every week someone asks me when Eminem is coming! Given the number of Eminem appearances in our fine country (zero) I think it's safe to say that he really hates us. What did we ever do to him?"


An artist's rendition of the face Eminem made as he vomited over a Polish flag and lit it on fire

Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs Radoslaw Sikorski was less enthusiastic about the prospect of a visit from Marshall Mathers, citing his facial hair as a potential stumbling block. "Mr Eminem will either shave that stubble or grow a beard before I will allow him into the country. He looks like a boy!"

The drama continues. It remains to be seen whether the real Slim Shady has a guilty conscience but we will have to wait and see if he will visit Poland to sing, for the moment.

Celebs Spotted: DEAD OR ALIVE

I was lucky enough to see Sir Bill Cosby's Corpse performing an impromptu standup gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. The great one has lost none of his charm, he had the audience eating out of his maggot infested hand as he ran through some of his famous routines such as standing upright supported by a wooden pole while flies buzzed around his decomposing flesh for 45 minutes. No encore?



My cousin Steve caught a glimpse of young buck Orlando Bloom at the beach. The mad actor was shoving his cock into the beaks of pelicans while loudly proclaiming that it was the only species with a mouth large enough to suck him off. He was looking buff too!



I was surprised to see Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz at my school for show and tell. He stood up in front of my class and spent 2 hours showing us pictures of his Cadillac Escalade and Volkswagen Jetta. He wouldn't leave until we all agreed that his cars were awesome, it was weird because he doesn't even go to my school and he is like 25 years old.

I also saw some reports of Solomon Klepto stabbing cunts in Dandy but that's neither here nor there...

Greatest Rapper of All Time Senate Hearings Continue

WASHINGTON, May 23--Today the US Senate Committee to Determine the Greatest Rapper of All Time continued a week long debate that shows no signs it will be resolved.



Democrats opened the session with a diatribe from Joe Biden extolling the virtues of Jay-Z, saying "Jay has released so many classic compositions, from Reasonable Doubt to The Blueprint and The Black Album." Republicans were less than impressed with this, although Speaker John Boehner admitted that he may be one of the greatest alive, he stated that Jay-Z has put out too much filler and dumbed down his lyrics for commercial appeal, citing songs such as "Girls, Girls, Girls".



The Republican caucus was pushing for The Notorious B.I.G, advancing that his amazing flow and delivery put him over the top despite his limited output. The Republican front was not a united one, however, as Sally Kearn continues to champion Eminem and many affiliated with the Tea Party are pushing for Tupac Shakur to be considered. Ron Paul made a heartfelt speech about the great West Coast rappers as he complained they are being ignored in the debate.



The issue appears to have reached a standoff as Republicans in the House are threatening a Government shutdown unless a rider proclaiming Rakim as the "God of rap" is added to the Greatest Rapper of All Time bill. Democrats were initially considering the compromise but then President Obama broached the subject of Lil B and all the Republicans stood up and walked out of the room.

Rebecca Black Pregnant! WE SO EXCITED

The star of infamous youtube video "Friday" today revealed she is pregnant in an image posted on the Facebook wall of a person close to Rebecca which was later deleted. Rebecca then disabled comments on the original Friday video where people were discussing the news.

Is Rebecca Black really pregnant? How will this development effect her recording career?



Update: further confirmation from the Rebecca Black Fan Club and a rumor that the father could be Nat Wolff. Interesting!

It's also being posted on other websites. and TMZ.

13 year old Rebecca Black, best known for her song Friday which became a viral hit online, is pregnant.

One of Rebecca's close friends revealed the news on their Facebook wall. The post was soon deleted but the revelation had already spread to Twitter. Apparently Rebecca did not want the news made public yet, she even disabled comments on the Friday video which has 140 million views on Youtube.

Rebecca's boyfriend Nat Wolff is assumed to be the father. They have been seen together at functions and award ceremonies since meeting last year.

Black has already been criticized by some for allowing herself to become pregnant, many are concerned that she is setting a bad example for teens. Rebecca has previously acknowledged that she is a role model for young people. The community at babycenter.com was particularly critical with many calling for Rebecca to seriously consider an abortion. Black has previously spoken about her pro-life values.

Other websites such as a new Facebook group dedicated to Rebecca's pregnancy have been more supportive. Rebecca Black herself has not made a statement about her pregnancy at this time.

H0llywood Celebz Sp0tted!

A peek into the private lives of your favourite Hollywood celebs! Reports straight from the STREETS about what the stars get up to when the cameras are off. Now with a more international focus.


Hollywood's favourite Crocs wearer NICOLE KIDMAN was spotted lurking the streets of Sydney in the early hours of yesterday morning, drawing giant pentagrams on the ground with chalk and lighting candles. She kept checking her watch and looking up at the sky but nothing was happening, as far as I could tell.



Teen dream JUSTIN BEBER was allegedly seen scratching his twitter address into the back windows of the cars parked along his street. His mom isn’t going to be happy when she finds out what he did!



Babe TILA TEQUILA was seen out and about trying to catch pigeons! She was doing very well with a fishing rod using piees of spiced sausage as bait. She told me every pigeon she sells comes with a free copy of her mixtape. I managed to get away while she was trying to shove a bird into a tiny cage and close the latch.


I saw popular man about town MICHAEL BUBLE doing a roaring trade hustling cocaine from the back of his car underneath a bridge. He told me he needed the drug money to finance his new album. I explained that it was the wrong thing to do and managed to convince Buble to throw all his drugs in the river. Nobody go swimming in there, for a while!



I overheard the infamous trickster SHIA LaBEOUF trying to pick up a waitress at a cafe. He was asking what she would wish for if she found a magic lamp, he kept suggesting a box of Tim Tams that never runs out. He said he has a hookup that can get him as many Tim Tams as he wants. He put his hands into his pockets and pulled out like 8 Tim Tams. He got her number.




Spotted Hollywood patriarch TED DANSON outside a KFC protesting for PETA. He was stopping everyone who tried to go in, asking if they knew what’s in KFC’s burgers and telling them it was the endangered luck dragon. He didn’t hassle me too much but he told me fur is murder and he would never wear a mink coat again. Right on!


Human female KIM KARDASHIAN was spotted by a fan at a supermarket. She didn’t buy anything, she was just opening every box of cereal and feeling around inside with her hand. Hope she found what she was looking for!



Saw the legendary warlock MEL GIBSON at a screening of Black Swan. He kept complaining loudly that they weren’t dancing properly and none of the actors knew anything about dancing. He said he wanted a refund and he walked out but I saw him quickly duck into a different theatre.

David Beckham dead, mysterious website reports

"Sir David  Beckham was killed today in a horrific car accident near Torrence, the California Highway Patrol tells CNN.

The soccer star was traveling south on the 405 Freeway Friday morning when he rear-ended a stalled vehicle.

"Mr. Beckham's black Cadillac SUV collided with the rear of a gold Mitsubishi in the carpool lane, the force of the impact severed his legs" says Jennifer Connolly, spokesperson for California Highway Patrol. The driver of the Mitsubishi, who complained of a broken spine, later died in hospital.

Beckham, 36, was killed instantly.
Tributes for the famous sportsman flowed on the internet once his death was announced on Twitter and confirmed by Dan Rathers on CNN. MTC will be holding a memorial for him on Friday."


A sad day for rugby fans around the world. Rest in peace young blood.

R.I.P Osama Bin Laden

Another LAD caught in the hustle...

 

Osama Bin Laden was alledgedly killed earlier this morning after president Obama's hired goon squad gunned him down outside his pad in Libya while he was washing his car. He is survived by his many cats.

more aussie RAP celeb spotting

Spotted rap mastermind MASS MC again. This time fleeing from Nalfeshnee, the notorious soul eating harbinger of doom. He was running through the State Library of New South Wales trying to photocopy a large leather bound volume, it looked like the demon wanted it back!





Infamous battle rapper RoNiKaL was observed at a construction site in Brisbane yesterday, deftly dodging besa blocks being thrown by an unseen assailant. Has he started a beef he couldn't finish?






Indelible rap man 360 was spotted in a forest yesterday with a stack of softcore porn magazines. He was burying issies of The Picture under a thin layer of pine needles. So thats how they got there!






Saw the amazing DJ SHEEP hanging out with CHARLIE SHEEN at a local Irish pub. They were banging 7 gram rocks with Lindsay Lohan while SHEEP helped Charlie with his crab scratch technique and taught him about how to properly care for and store vinyl. Hope he was paying attention!

The stories may not be true but the names have not been changed to protect the innocent

This man is crazy! I spotted After Hours rapper HEADLOCK terrorizing Adelaide's Western suburbs last night as he roamed the streets with a pack of hungry wolves devouring everything in their path. They've been doing this for weeks but the cops are too scared to do anything about it and my local council don't believe me, isn't this violating some kind of by-law???

 
Popular hip hop dude DRAPHT was seen yesterday embarking on an epic quest with wicked witch T-Bag and her assistant T-Shirt. He told me they intended to travel to Letterland and recover the lost pearls of wisdom from the evil Sally Simpkins. Good luck guys!


Saw rapper/baller J-WESS chillin' with his crew at a Sydney strip club. He was the most popular act of the night, stuffing multiple $100 bills into his g-string. Has he had work done?


Rap diva KARA KRAIG was seen at JFK International Airport hanging around the departures lounge. I saw her flashing around a poorly faked pilot's license written on the back of a napkin. She was asking everyone if there were any job openings on flights to Australia for pilots or co-pilots or if she could borrow a plane for a few days. Hang in there!

OZ HIP HOP CELEBS SPOTTED!

Hip Hop Hoochie KARA CRAIG was spotted at a New York subway station begging for change, said something about her passport and plane tickets being stolen. Lookng good in a tiger striped pink fur ensemble repping her A-Town fitted, u go girl!






Spotted legend of the rap game BIG PHRASE at a Super Cheap Auto carpark crawling around on all fours trying to scoop up oil stains on the ground. His record label are really putting him to work!






Saw the infamous CLINT DOGG DJing at a McDonalds birthday party. The staff said he wasn't allowed to play music here and he would have to leave. Then the manager came and said he was banned from the store for 2 weeks. Last I saw CLINT was hanging around the car park asking people to go get his records back for him.




Spotted special rapper MC ANZAK at a firing range wearing an Aussie flag cape and face paint. He was operating a BBQ indoors but the smoke didn't seem to affect his aim as he shot the Saddam Hussein shaped target right through the balls with a Heckler and Koch Mk23.

TRAPPED IN DA MATRIX: iPhone 4

TRAPPED IN DA MATRIX is my new regular feature where i will keep u up to date with the latest TECH NEWS for youre computar

Today i am discussing the I-PHONE FOUR. its the latest and gratest handheld telephone for the digital age designed by a guy called STEVE JOBS from APPLE. if BILL GATES is the antichrist i guess this makes STEVE JOBS god. we live in an amazing age this is the most convinent devise invented since the gameboy printer.


as u can see from this scientific graph the eyephone is up against the androids. and the graph clearly proves the iphone is better! both phones have a tight screen and a store that lets u download a shit-ton of apps which are like computer programs but some are viruses. like if u want to prank call the pizza shop theres an app for that. if u want to take photos up womans skirt theres an app for that (iphone has a camera). u can upload these pics straight to twitter on the iphone! [email them to me as well].

its called iphone 4 because the other iphones had some pretty bad bugs, like the iphone 2 which phoned you at all hours of the day and night! but now that the iphone has been prefected I dont think we will be seeing any new tech devises from Apple for a long long while!