Showing posts with label too inaccurate for wikipedia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label too inaccurate for wikipedia. Show all posts

27.5.14

Bill Cosby Dead Following Freak "Accident"

According to official sources, actor and comedian Bill Cosby has passed away following a freak accident on the set of Dancing with the Stars.


The tragic accident happened during a rehearsal while filming at ABC Studios. Cosby was attempting to perform a waltz when he partner, a professional samba instructor, threw him into the air. Cosby landed awkwardly on his ankle, causing it to snap on impact. His leg collapsed on jagged piece of bone, piercing an artery. Doctors attempted to amputate and stop the flow of blood but were unable to save Bill Cosby's life. He died in the ambulance while being rushed to hospital.


Cosby's inclusion in the show was controversial. He was brought in as a last-minute replacement for Gary Busey who was unable to commit to the filming schedule. A fan poll on the official Dancing website picked Cosby as the most wanted celebrity.

Earlier in the week Cosby posted a candid video to Youtube where he expressed doubts about his dancing skills, making chilling comments like "Kids these days with their breakdance and their mambo number 5. Maybe its time for this old man to shuffle off the stage."

30.10.13

Identity of Zodiac Killer Finally Revealed

The infamous Zodiac Killer was a serial killer responsible for the murder of dozens of people throughout the 1970s. He terrorized the state of California, taunting the police by sending cryptic messages to the media and demanding they be published. The Zodiac's identity has remained unknown for over 40 years. Skip Hopz Dot Com can now reveal exclusive information from recently declassified police files that will finally put this tragic case to rest.

Investigators at the San Francisco Police Department racistly assumed The Zodiac was a white man, based on the neatness of his handwriting. But take this eyewitness sketch and invert the colors, it clearly shows a man strikingly similar to Bill Cosby. The trademark Cosby eyeglasses and slicked back mop of sweaty black hair are clearly visible.



Bill Cosby famously wore a Zodiac brand wristwatch. When an interviewer asked about the mysterious timepiece he smiled sinisterly and replied "I am a man of many secrets and hidden aliases, you can set your watch by it."

Cosby's agent has made it clear that questions about Cosby's whereabouts on specific dates during the 1960s-70s are off-limits for interviews. When an NBC reporter pressed Cosby on the issue and brought up the fact that witnesses report seeing him in the vicinity of Lake Berryessa in September 1969, the site and date of a horrific Zodiac murder, his handlers told her the interview was over and hustled Cosby away.

All the known Zodiac killings took place during full moons. The moon is the ruling planet of the zodiac sign Cancer, which happens to be Bill Cosby's star sign. He often spoke of consulting his horoscope and "Getting [my] work done" when the moon was full. He would often leave the house on secretive trips, refusing to discuss the matter with his wife.

According to recently declassified documents, Cosby would allegedly fool women into stopping their cars in rural areas by claiming they had problems with their tires, then loosen their lug nuts and eventually take them captive.


It is known that Cosby was a close friend of the lead SFPD detective working the case. Cosby invited him to tapings of The Cosby Show and would constantly press him for information about the killer and suspects.

A corkboard with newspaper clippings about the Zodiac Killer is clearly visible in Bill Cosby's study, as seen on an early episode of MTV Cribs. It isn't a small corkboard either, it's massive. He was obsessed with the case.

Zodiac left size 10.5 size footprints at the crime scene. According to the Bill Cosby wiki, Cosby wears the same size.

Bill Cosby's wife has revealed that knives, a rope, guns and bullets often went missing from the house, all weapons used in the murders.

Cosby has repeatedly refused to give hair and semen samples that could potentially clear his name. Police have used DNA evidence to rule out several previous suspects. What does Cosby have to hide?

Friends report that Cosby had an active interest in ciphers and codes, often spending days completing giant crossword puzzles.

Finally, the Zodiac Killer's famous unbroken cipher has now been decoded by a user on Reddit, the proposed solution was reached by reversing the letters decoding them using an asymmetric key algorithms, it reads
I AM BILL H COSBY


27.6.13

"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

Reuters
Vatican City
June 26, 2013

In a move that has shocked religious fanatics around the globe, Pope Francis has named Kanye West as an official Saint of the Catholic Church.

The announcement was especially surprising because the process of canonization usually takes decades. Francis told reporters that he "Stepped up and made an executive decision" by making Kanye a Saint, effective immediately. He continued, "Kanye is the greatest producer to ever live, he has changed the rap game several times since bringing the soul sound back with his dope album 'The College Dropout'. And his rhymes are off the hook as well."

'Da Hip Hop Pope' shares a bong with worshippers in downtown Chicago

Potential Saints must perform at least 3 (three) miracles before they can be accepted into the pantheon. Pope Francis cited the famous car accident in 2002, which Kanye escaped with his life and a broken jaw. The other miracles cited were Kanye West's "visionary beats and compelling rhymes".

Kanye has spoken about his faith many times and referenced it in his songs such as 'Jesus Walks' and 'I am a God', the latter is from his latest album 'Yeezus'.

When asked for comment Kanye said he would consider moving to Heaven to live with the other saints, but it would not be the end of his career. He tweeted a message to his fans indicating he deserved to be even higher in the Church, he could still become Pope, Archangel, Jesus Christ or even God.

A new portrait of Saint West has been commissioned to hang in the Vatican lobby

Fellow rap megastar Drake was less than impressed with the news. He took out his phone and waved it around, trying to show reporters a photo of an Indian totem-pole with his face crudley carved into the side "Look I'mma God too!"

5.6.13

Rapper Kerser to be Killed by RSPCA

Our worst fears have finally come true, Aussie rap superstar KERSER now faces the death penalty after he was reportedly seized and detained by the RSPCA.

File photo of Kerser smoking a funny smelling cigarette

Kerser allegedly escaped from his Sydney home and ventured into the backyard of a neighbour who reported him to the authorities. Kerser is scheduled to be euthanised June 3rd, 2013 at 5 PM based solely on his looks. At the last moment, Kerser received a temporary stay of execution while the case is reviewed.

Relatives claim Kerser "has always been a loving, gentle and playful boy. He has never harmed anyone and is a valuable member of Jade's family."

Kerser has recently released his second studio album and had plans to tour nationally but this has been put on hold while his case is decided.


2.6.13

RiFF RAFF: the story so far

EXCLUSIVE: Part 1 of the weird biography that was deemed "too inaccurate" for Wikipedia!

RiFF RAFF: the story so far: A tale of Two RiFf raFfs


Jody "riFF raFF" Christian was born 2 weeks premature in the vicinity of "Bunk Alley", Minnesota in 1975. He was raised by Gypsies and spent much of his time alone nurturing his tulip gardens and focusing on his rapping and the ability to telekinetically manipulate and control materials with his mind. He loved how the sensation of fiber, such as soft weaves and flowers, felt to his touch; hard objects felt abrasive to him. He was very lonely, so he wove himself gossamer wings.

In 1987 Riff Raff met an American actor and activist named Mike Steele. Steele was starring in a remake of the movie Dracula, which was being filmed on location in Battle Creek, NE. Riff Raff romanced and seduced Steele with promises of fame and fortune. They married, but Steele was constantly away from the house. Riff Raff then began imagining that he was having affairs behind his back. He wove himself a costume and began calling himself Kokayne Dawkins. He wreaked havoc attacking social gatherings in search of Mike Steele. MTV approached Dawkins and they made a reality show about him.


Jim Scampoli encountered Kokayne Dawkins at a dinner party he was attending. Accompanying Jim Scampoli to the party was his homeboy Jeff Murphy, along with his mentor Jimmy Fallon. Scampoli ate several mushrooms and tried to confront Kokayne Dawkins, unweaving his costume and attempting to drown him in a swimming pool. Dawkins broke free, and at the same time his boyfriend Mike Steele realized that the fight was occurring. Steele fired his gun at Dawkins, narrowly missing the drug crazed DJ, damaging his gossamer wings so that he could not fly. By this point the dance floor was well and truly cleared. Jeff Murphy grabbed a baton and heroically knocked out Steele to keep him from getting in the way as he confronted the unmasked Riff Raff. However, instead of turning him over to the authorities, Jeff Murphy allowed him to walk away since they seemed to have some things in common.

Within his new cult, Riff Raff ordered his followers to steal and scavenge for him. As the Dark Snitcher (Mike Steele) investigated these thefts, he overheard the name of Riff Raff from a trustworthy drug dealer. He recalled it as the name of a pimp who was throwing a party that his best friend Jake Sprague was attending. During a scuffle, Dark Snitcher became injected with enough drugs to knock him out and when he came to he was before Riff Raff. Dark Snitcher thought they were friends, but Riff Raff said he was mistaken. Riff Raff tried to drown Dark Snitcher in cement, but Dark Snitcher used his powers to break loose and tried to appeal to Riff Raff's conscience. Saying he had no conscience, Riff Raff attacked once more as Dark Snitcher realized Jake Sprague was present in a drugged-induced haze. Rushing to help him, he turned around to realize Riff Raff was gone. His location remains a mystery.

TO BE CONTINUED...
 

10.5.13

RIHANNA CAPTURED BY SOMALI PIRATES, PART 1

Reuters- Barbados
10/05/2013 
6:12 AM
(this story is still developing)

RIHANNA CAPTURED BY SOMALI PIRATES, PART 1

Police reports from the Principality of Barbados have confirmed what we all feared the most; pop princess Rihanna has been captured by the infamous Somali Pirates.

Rumors of the harrowing adventure began to surface last week when a series of cryptic tweets from Rihanna showed that something was amiss. She was sailing down the Ivory Coast to visit relatives when her three mast flagship was allegedly boarded by men wearing towels around their heads and packing uzis. When the captain's throat was slit the remaining crew members gave themselves up and threw themselves upon the mercy of the Somalian sea-dogs, offering to join their cause, but they were thrown overboard. Two smaller vessels carrying Rihanna's extended entourage were also commandeered. A statement on the Somali Pirates Facebook page reports that cargo carried by the fleet was also seized, including several casks of spices and chests brimming with Spanish pieces of eight. An offer of ransom has been made but Interscope Records are refusing to pay the $5 million.


Tweets by Rihanna indicate that she was chained to a lockbox in the captain's cabin as the ship sailed North with the trade winds, eventually making anchor at the notorious pirate den: Port Royal, Jamacia. There the Somali Pirates offloaded most of their cargo at the favourable local exchange rate and used their gold to restock their supplies, including a large amount of ammunition. They also purchased several new ships of the line. Rihanna told fans via Twitter that she was not allowed to leave the ship and had no change of clothes. This was the last confirmed Tweet by Rihanna herself before the Somali Pirates either hacked her Twitter account or confiscated her phone.

Later that night the Pirates returned under the cover of darkness and burned the Port Royal market district to the ground, recovering most of their spent gold and pillaging goods from several waterfront warehouses before stealing one of Richard Branson's finest yachts and sailing away. Cannons fired from the seawall fort were unable to prevent their escape, a fleet of privateers (legal pirates) was soon sent in pursuit.

A spokesperson for the Jamaican Naval Defence Force has confirmed that a police vessel cornered the pirates in a secluded cove on the morning of May 7th. A negotiator was unable to communicate with the pirates as they apparently don't know how to operate their radio. Rihanna's captors responded with cursing and small arms fire but the bullets did not have enough range to penetrate the armoured hull. The police boat opened fire with a 60mm anti-tank rifle. Out-gunned  the pirates turned sail and attempted to flee, but not before Branson's prized yacht was punctured and began to sink. As the pirates rounded the cove they spotted the privateer fleet on the horizon; the trap was sprung.


Rihanna watched from the porthole of her cabin as the enemies of piracy closed in, freedom at last! But her elation was short lived, as one of the stronger, fatter pirates barged into the captain's cabin and knifed the captain in the guts. A mutiny was afoot! The new captain explained the situation to the other vessels via walkie-talkie and each boat sailed away in a different direction: port, starboard etc.

After sailing for 2 days the pirate captain admitted to Rihanna that they were lost at sea, with no land in sight. The other boats were out of walkie-talkie range, their crews most likely captured by police and hanged in Port Royal. Unfortunately all the stocks of rum and food were on the other boats, Rihanna and the skeleton crew were forced to survive by smearing raw spices on hand grenades and licking them. Rihanna waited until her captors were distracted by a passing dolphin/mermaid and began to chew through her restraints with razor sharp fangs.


As the captain was sick in his bed with cinnamon poisoning Rihanna made her move. Tearing the chains away from her naked body, she grabbed a matchlock pistol and ran abovedecks where she loudly explained that another mutiny was afoot. Her barbados accent was easy for the pirates to understand and they threw themselves at her feet, hailing her as queen of the pirates. Rihanna then explained that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, and they could use this little-known fact to plot a course for home.

As their ragged ship sailed into the Gulf of Mexico, Rihanna had a change of heart as she stood on the deck wearing her pirate rags and admiring the blood-red sunset over the country of her birth. The crispy sea air and smell of vomit and semen was intoxicating. Of course it was tempting to return to her abusive boyfriend and record deal with the label that didn't care to pay her ransom, but what if she was to become queen of the pirates for real? She had nothing to lose. Just then a police boat hailed them on the radio, they were required to identify themselves...

TO BE CONTINUED



Rihanna's Pirate Facts:
"if u are trapped with somali pirates just remember these simple facts"
  • They have an extreme disregard for authority
  • Pirates rarely/never wash hands
  • Can't operate a simple radio
  • Have a lot of different guns but don't know which kind of bullets go with each, often end up jamming their weapons and throwing them overboard