Hip Hop Jobs

As part of my ongoing service to the unemployed brothers out there I will be reposting select job ads from SERCH; the hip hop employment website.

DJs WANTED
nO EXPERIENCE NECESSARy!!!!!!!!!
Disc Jockeys > Club
We are looking for fun guys and gals to become DJs at our'r hot club's. Enjoy a fun, exciting environment!

U will need to know how to push a buttan on youre turn table that starts and stops the spinning. A Certificate III in Turntable Operation will be an advantage. U will also need a hot knowledge of club bangers from 2010-2012. We will train u in how to crab scratch (3 weeks unpaid training).

U can also use a ipod and our high level DJ MixMan software.


A FEW GOOD HYPE MEN
Live Performance > Hype Men!!!!!
Exciting new position with loads of variety and scope! Our crew is seeking experienced hype men for our upcoming tour! Must perform above 60 HPM (you will be tested) with 80% punchline accuracy!

Duties include jumping around on stage and shouting certain words into a microphone! Successful applicant will have a bubbly personality and the proven ability to multi-task!

Previous applicants or people who trip over microphone cords need not apply!

SEEKING GRILL CADDY

Misc > Jewelery

Do you want a flexible job that allows you to pick the kids up from school? Get the balance right.

I am looking for someone to manage my large collection of grills. You will be on-hand at studio sessions, gigs and rap events to suggest the optimal grill for the situation. Some of my grills contain spinners which must be kept in constant rotation so you will need a high level of patience and attention to detail, and the ability to reach inside my mouth while I am rapping.

To be successful in this position you will need an eye for grills and the ability to improvise in the event of a dental emergency. Must be willing to locate to Atlanta.

WILL RAP FOR FOOD

>Freelancers

Hello, my name is Nasir and I am willing to rap for you. I have a reputation as one of the greatest of all time, ask anyone.

I could perform services like modelling various outfits for you, or washing your car. If you're recording a rap video maybe I could drive past in the background. I can be your friend on Facebook and thumb your Youtube videos. I have extensive experience with CISCO routers and Lotus Notes. If your friend is in jail I can help you compose a letter to him. I am also available to ghostwrite mediocre rap songs.

Work history:
1994 - Released Illmatic
2001 - Released Stillmatic and had beef with Jay-Z, one of the greatest of all time.
2007 - Released my Greatest Hits

Your Choice: Kingz - Figgkidd and the Hall of Fameoz

In this new regular feature I will pay homage to the dopest oldschool kingz in the Aussie rap scene.

First inductee to the Oz Hip Hop HALL OF FAMEOZ: FIGGKIDD



The magical legend of Figgkidd started in 2004, when a young buck took time off playing Runescape to be discovered by a hotshot record executive while rapping to his mum in the shower. He got a deal with Sony and the rest his history...

He built up a lot of buzz on internet forums and released his debut album What Is Figgkidd in 2004. It had a lot of people confused at the time, everyone was eager to find out what a Figgkidd was. Once they found out they became loyal fans for life. Figgkidd's unique Eminem style was a perfect fit for the Aussie rap industry and he became a household name.




what am i watching

Maybe the success came a bit too soon for Figgkidd, as he found himself in the heady world of Channel V fame and cocaine hooker binges. During this time he was fucking so many bitches he couldn't even get his dick hard. The music suffered when he started rapping dumb fairytale shit that nobody wanted to hear, the intricite lyrics replaced with songs ghostwritten by infamous jerk Mark Holden. He even re-released his first album in a desperate attempt to recapture the magic but nobody seemed to care what a Figgkidd was anymore.

The post 2007 era (known to diehard 'Kidd fans as the 'Figgkidd Rennasaince') has been great for Aussie hip hop. Major acts like 360 and Hilltop Hoods get played on Nova every day but it wasn't always like this, they owe it all to Figgkidd; the Australian Eminem who broke through and showed us how our dope local rappers could compete with the best in the world. He still ranks in the official top 5 gifted lyricists to come out of the Southern Hemisphere.

Recently his Myspace page was hacked and the music was replaced with some dumb sounding rap music. In 2011 you can still catch the ghost of Figgkidd posting his inane responses to things on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it. The older headz are the only people who remember how dope Figgkidd was, and how Figgkiddmania gripped Australia in the summer of 2004. The legend of a young, upcoming Eminem will live forever in our hearts and the SKIPHOPZ OZ HIP HOP HALL OF FAMEOZ.

RAPPER REPORT CARD
FIGGKIDD
Vocabulary: 8
Articulation: 9
Creativity: 8
Originality: 10
Versatility: 9
Voice: 10
Records: 10
Stage Presence: 7
Sticking to Themes: 5
Innovating Rhythms: 7
83/100, B
"Silver Star"

Tila Tequila Strangled by Komodo Dragons

Myspace hottie Miss Tila Tequila (30) was found dead last night in her Los Angeles townhouse. Her naked body was surrounded by 12 fully grown komodo dragons which apparently strangled her while she slept. The alarm was raised by a neighbour who heard Miss Tequila's death scream at approximately 3 a.m. By the time an ambulance arrived the lizards had already begun to feed, ripping strips of flesh from Tequila's breasts and thighs. Once her perfect skin and toned muscles were penetrated her organs were easy pickings for the giant lizards, who tore open her ribcage and feasted with reckless abandon. Witnesses report her body being a bloody mess, with guts strewn over the floorboards like so many Persian rugs and blood dripping ominously down the stairs from her bedroom on the upper floor.

Paramedics had to call an animal control company to gain access to the room, as the lizards were hissing loudly and some people on the scene believed they were able to breathe fire also. A police spokesperson said that the dragons had to be killed, to prevent a full scale rampage. According to pop sensation Elton John the dragons lived their lives like candles in the wind; never knowing who to strangle when hunger set in.

1981-2011, never forget

Tequila was looking after the lizards for her friend Ashton Kutcher while he was away filming new episodes of Two and a Half Men. He tried to warn her that the lizards are dangerous, and continued to send her messages on twitter about how to properly care for the rare creatures and feed them on time to prevent strangulation. The komodo dragon, also known as the komodo monitor, can grow up to 3 metres in length.

Tila Tequila was known for being "the baddest bitch on the block", a talented rapper and model who was adored by billions of fans worldwide. She was the most popular whore on Myspace for several years. She won a number of awards, including Bravo's "A-List Drama Queen", "Entertainer of the Year" and an Academy Award for her (uncredited) role in the movie Titanic as 'Floating Debris #6'.

News of Tila Tequila's death received a mixed response online, with many loyal Tilaholics expressing their grief and heartfelt sadness through Facebook status and Youtube comments. However her detractors were also out in full force with one particularly unhinged man tweeting "those lizards accomplished in 1 night what i tried to do my whole life!!!". Some conspiracy theorists have even floated the idea that Kutcher wanted to bump off his rival Tila Tequila once and for all. Kutcher's lizard training skills are no secret; we all know he learned how to make komodo dragons strangle people on the set of the new Gary Busey biopic. At the time of writing he has denied to comment on the allegations.

MTV will be showing a special tribute to the brave komodo dragons on Sunday followed by Tequila's funeral, a pay-per-view event featuring performances by her lifelong friend Justin Bieber and The Black Eyed Peas.

Basketball Jones: Secret NBA History including Yinka Dare and the Jordan Conspiracy

In this regular new feature I will report on the happenings around the National BBall Angrymen (NBA). All sports fans know that basketball has been CANCELLED FOREVER due to a lack of interest. Only 4 teams wanted to enter the league this season...what a piece of shit. In the meantime lets look back over the history of America's Game...

In 1734 Dr Julius Erving discovered basketball after he got bored and started throwing large orange balls into a peach basket. He was committed to a mental institution where the game took off, and the NBA was born. In those days the game was very different; fundamentals like dunking and dribbling were banned and only white people were allowed to play.

The popularity of the game spread overseas during the Cold War years, with China taking an interest in the development of players. Two professional B-ball players sent their son to China to be moulded into the ultimate killing machine and baller, that child's name was Michael Jordan.



Jordan cut his teeth in operations for the secret joint China-American government in the 1970s, killing thousands of dissidents in South American countries as part of a black-ops death squad that also included Sam Bowie and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Finally he was drafted to the Chicago Cows in 1985 and the legend was born, he averaged an incredible 3.55 turnovers per game in his rookie year.

However critics have alleged that Jordan's amazing statistics are not legit; there are documented cases where the referees would call a foul or even a timeout when one of Jordan's shots was about to miss. Opposition players were often called for fouling Jordan when they were on the other side of the court or sitting on the bench. Sometimes points scored by Luc Longley (one of the most underrated players of all time) would mysteriously turn up on Jordan's box score, and the scorers claimed that they couldn't tell the players apart.

In one 1994 playoff game against the New York Knicks Jordan had not scored a single point in the first half, so the referee allowed him to stand under the basket at halftime and throw the ball through the hoop 20 times, and for some reason each shot counted as a 3 pointer. The other team were allowed to guard him during this time but they were forced to do so while standing in their coach's technical area which made it very difficult indeed.

Another controversial moment was when the NBA decided to count Michael Jordan's games in Bill Murray's movie Space Jam towards his career totals, causing his ppg to skyrocket and Jordanmania to grip Britain and the world. The cash was rolling in and China were making their investment back off all the shoes and singlets they were selling.

But there was one problem for Jordan and his band of Manchurian mercenaries: a young kid named Yinka Dare who was changing the way the game was played. His coming was prophecised by Leonardo DiVinci and the man did not disappoint! Yinka's dominance of the NBA attracted attention from the CIA, he was framed for match fixing and forced out of the game. Later he would be assassinated after he threatened to blow the whistle on the Jordan conspiracy, making room for lesser players like Shawuille O'Neal (who was made from parts of Yinka's DNA) to take over the game.



To this day Yinka Dare's Come Dare With Me video series is illegal to be in possession of, or upload on youtube. Yinka's 'Triple Murder Crossover' remains illegal in 48 states because it broke too many ankles.

The next evolution came in 1996 when Steve Jobs and David Stern conspired to change the way the game was played once again. With help from MIT they created an android capable of playing basketball and got him drafted to the NBA. The name of that android was Kobe Bryant. Each year a new model was produced with improved attributes and groundbreaking new AI created by EA Sports. Sometimes the new sofware had some bad bugs that caused his programming to go haywire and make him rape somebody.

Regardless, Kobe continued to dominate the league until the secret blueprints were stolen by the devious John Crotty and other teams created their own robot players, like Lebron and D-Wade. Lets hope the drama of the NBA can continue for another 500 years.

Bias B Dead

 

 Rest in Peace young brother

Legendary Aussie rapper BIAS B was killed today in a tragic train accident. Witnesses report he jumped down onto the train tracks to save a child who had fallen there. As he handed the young boy to safety the express train came roaring into the station. As tears ran down his face Bias B turned to the strangers on the platform and said "Tell my wife I love her always-" before he was crushed under the steel carriage.

Panicked onlookers screamed at the paramedics telling them to save him but the doctor simply said "I cant bring back the dead bro, call a necromancer" as he scraped bloody remains from the rubble.

Local police have said the death should be a lesson to all rappers and members of the public, they should always wait until the green man comes on the sine.

Bias B was an icon to Sydney rap fans, with classic releases like Bee'z Wax and In Bed With Bias that still get copped by new listeners and bumped on the regular at house parties and the like. A vocal member of the Lyric Commission Crew, Bias was a staunch supporter of the Aussie hip hop scene. Many fans report that Bias B's music is perfect for blazing and he will be sorely missed. He was also a notorious graffiti vandal that escaped police capture by running away. Channel V will be screening a special memorial for Bias B on Sunday.