"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

"Saint West", Kanye Canonized by Catholic Church

Reuters
Vatican City
June 26, 2013

In a move that has shocked religious fanatics around the globe, Pope Francis has named Kanye West as an official Saint of the Catholic Church.

The announcement was especially surprising because the process of canonization usually takes decades. Francis told reporters that he "Stepped up and made an executive decision" by making Kanye a Saint, effective immediately. He continued, "Kanye is the greatest producer to ever live, he has changed the rap game several times since bringing the soul sound back with his dope album 'The College Dropout'. And his rhymes are off the hook as well."

'Da Hip Hop Pope' shares a bong with worshippers in downtown Chicago

Potential Saints must perform at least 3 (three) miracles before they can be accepted into the pantheon. Pope Francis cited the famous car accident in 2002, which Kanye escaped with his life and a broken jaw. The other miracles cited were Kanye West's "visionary beats and compelling rhymes".

Kanye has spoken about his faith many times and referenced it in his songs such as 'Jesus Walks' and 'I am a God', the latter is from his latest album 'Yeezus'.

When asked for comment Kanye said he would consider moving to Heaven to live with the other saints, but it would not be the end of his career. He tweeted a message to his fans indicating he deserved to be even higher in the Church, he could still become Pope, Archangel, Jesus Christ or even God.

A new portrait of Saint West has been commissioned to hang in the Vatican lobby

Fellow rap megastar Drake was less than impressed with the news. He took out his phone and waved it around, trying to show reporters a photo of an Indian totem-pole with his face crudley carved into the side "Look I'mma God too!"

Secret NBA plan reveals they are collecting all our rebounds

Superstar Lebron James has been implicated in the leaked NBA plan to collect all the rebounds, according to an anonymous whistleblower who was found dead in his Hong Kong hotel room this morning. Local detective Jackie Chan has ruled the case a suicide and was quoted saying "I don't want no trouble."

The leaked documents uploaded to Wikileaks show that NBA commissioner David Stern masterminded the plan to pad Lebron James' career stats (which also count toward Stern's stats as commissioner, according to a controversial new rule change).

Lebron allegedly disguised himself as Sam Bowie before travelling to school playgrounds and gymnasiums around the country where he would run onto the court and aggressively box out players on both teams. After he grabbed the ball he would take out his iPhone, record the rebound on his NBA.com stat-tracker app and run away to find the next victim.

Amateur basketball players worldwide are now scared to attempt a field goal, even when practicing by themselves, for fear of Lebron stealing the rebound and running away with their ball. Some NBA players have complained about Lebron in private but they will not speak on the record because commissioner Stern rules the league with an iron fist and has punished dissidents before.

At time of writing Lebron has managed to pad his stats to 3260 rebounds per game which puts him slightly behind Tim Duncan.

Rapper Kerser to be Killed by RSPCA

Our worst fears have finally come true, Aussie rap superstar KERSER now faces the death penalty after he was reportedly seized and detained by the RSPCA.

File photo of Kerser smoking a funny smelling cigarette

Kerser allegedly escaped from his Sydney home and ventured into the backyard of a neighbour who reported him to the authorities. Kerser is scheduled to be euthanised June 3rd, 2013 at 5 PM based solely on his looks. At the last moment, Kerser received a temporary stay of execution while the case is reviewed.

Relatives claim Kerser "has always been a loving, gentle and playful boy. He has never harmed anyone and is a valuable member of Jade's family."

Kerser has recently released his second studio album and had plans to tour nationally but this has been put on hold while his case is decided.

RiFF RAFF: the story so far

EXCLUSIVE: Part 1 of the weird biography that was deemed "too inaccurate" for Wikipedia!

RiFF RAFF: the story so far: A tale of Two RiFf raFfs

Jody "riFF raFF" Christian was born 2 weeks premature in the vicinity of "Bunk Alley", Minnesota in 1975. He was raised by Gypsies and spent much of his time alone nurturing his tulip gardens and focusing on his rapping and the ability to telekinetically manipulate and control materials with his mind. He loved how the sensation of fiber, such as soft weaves and flowers, felt to his touch; hard objects felt abrasive to him. He was very lonely, so he wove himself gossamer wings.

In 1987 Riff Raff met an American actor and activist named Mike Steele. Steele was starring in a remake of the movie Dracula, which was being filmed on location in Battle Creek, NE. Riff Raff romanced and seduced Steele with promises of fame and fortune. They married, but Steele was constantly away from the house. Riff Raff then began imagining that he was having affairs behind his back. He wove himself a costume and began calling himself Kokayne Dawkins. He wreaked havoc attacking social gatherings in search of Mike Steele. MTV approached Dawkins and they made a reality show about him.

Jim Scampoli encountered Kokayne Dawkins at a dinner party he was attending. Accompanying Jim Scampoli to the party was his homeboy Jeff Murphy, along with his mentor Jimmy Fallon. Scampoli ate several mushrooms and tried to confront Kokayne Dawkins, unweaving his costume and attempting to drown him in a swimming pool. Dawkins broke free, and at the same time his boyfriend Mike Steele realized that the fight was occurring. Steele fired his gun at Dawkins, narrowly missing the drug crazed DJ, damaging his gossamer wings so that he could not fly. By this point the dance floor was well and truly cleared. Jeff Murphy grabbed a baton and heroically knocked out Steele to keep him from getting in the way as he confronted the unmasked Riff Raff. However, instead of turning him over to the authorities, Jeff Murphy allowed him to walk away since they seemed to have some things in common.

Within his new cult, Riff Raff ordered his followers to steal and scavenge for him. As the Dark Snitcher (Mike Steele) investigated these thefts, he overheard the name of Riff Raff from a trustworthy drug dealer. He recalled it as the name of a pimp who was throwing a party that his best friend Jake Sprague was attending. During a scuffle, Dark Snitcher became injected with enough drugs to knock him out and when he came to he was before Riff Raff. Dark Snitcher thought they were friends, but Riff Raff said he was mistaken. Riff Raff tried to drown Dark Snitcher in cement, but Dark Snitcher used his powers to break loose and tried to appeal to Riff Raff's conscience. Saying he had no conscience, Riff Raff attacked once more as Dark Snitcher realized Jake Sprague was present in a drugged-induced haze. Rushing to help him, he turned around to realize Riff Raff was gone. His location remains a mystery.

TO BE CONTINUED...