Why Does Eminem Hate Poland?

POLISH fans of the real Slim Shady have experienced a relapse of their infinite sadness, as the Eminem show has yet again passed over their fine country (which is in a period of economic recovery), causing fans to cry "Without me!??"...just like toy soldiers. Encore.


We all know that feel

Much like Eminem's fictional biggest fan, Stan, the Polish public are pissed off and possibly ready to engage in a tragic murder/suicide over the fact that the white rap singer's latest tour dates do not include the land of waffles and eggplants.

The first rumors indicating that Eminem might hate Poland began to surface in 2003 after an interview with Spin magazine where Eminem was quoted saying "I don't not hate Poland" and "Why can't we just wipe Poland off the map?"

Lars, who works at Warsaw record shop 'Muzant', said that although many of his customers are concerned about the issue, Eminem's views on Poland have not damaged his popularity. "Every week someone asks me when Eminem is coming! Given the number of Eminem appearances in our fine country (zero) I think it's safe to say that he really hates us. What did we ever do to him?"


An artist's rendition of the face Eminem made as he vomited over a Polish flag and lit it on fire

Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs Radoslaw Sikorski was less enthusiastic about the prospect of a visit from Marshall Mathers, citing his facial hair as a potential stumbling block. "Mr Eminem will either shave that stubble or grow a beard before I will allow him into the country. He looks like a boy!"

The drama continues. It remains to be seen whether the real Slim Shady has a guilty conscience but we will have to wait and see if he will visit Poland to sing, for the moment.

Celebs Spotted: DEAD OR ALIVE

I was lucky enough to see Sir Bill Cosby's Corpse performing an impromptu standup gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. The great one has lost none of his charm, he had the audience eating out of his maggot infested hand as he ran through some of his famous routines such as standing upright supported by a wooden pole while flies buzzed around his decomposing flesh for 45 minutes. No encore?



My cousin Steve caught a glimpse of young buck Orlando Bloom at the beach. The mad actor was shoving his cock into the beaks of pelicans while loudly proclaiming that it was the only species with a mouth large enough to suck him off. He was looking buff too!



I was surprised to see Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz at my school for show and tell. He stood up in front of my class and spent 2 hours showing us pictures of his Cadillac Escalade and Volkswagen Jetta. He wouldn't leave until we all agreed that his cars were awesome, it was weird because he doesn't even go to my school and he is like 25 years old.

I also saw some reports of Solomon Klepto stabbing cunts in Dandy but that's neither here nor there...

Rolling in their grave: KERSER

IN a new regular feature I will explain which classic rappers are spinning in their graves due to the shitty new rap music of today...

The infamous KERSER is a battle raper from Sydney-town who is causing quite a stir on the facebook. Recently he boasted that his youtube video has 100000 views, big fucking deal. Many have put the hate on The Kerser because he is the most popular lad rapper in the country and the only battle MC who is openly gay. Despite these flaws most rap fans agree that he does indeed spit hot fyre, its probably better if we give in to his demands and step back for fear of being burned!


The Kerser in the booth during a steamy recording session

THE KERSER made a name for himself after an intense freestyle battle in the carpark after a Got Beef event, and when I say instense freestyle battle I mean stabbing a hobo to death with one of his many knives. Word on the streets says he was also seen in the area of the Black Saturday Bushfires in 2009 packing flint and steel, and he refuses to answer questions about his involvement with the Beaumont children.

For the above reasons and many more, P DIDDY is rolling in his grave.

f0rum n00B unofficla REMIX: PHATCHANCE - I DONT KNOW

we got dat hoverdog swag

WARNING: DANGEROUS MAN "IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE" TO TOUR AUSTRALIA

IT has come to the attention of SkipHopz that famous Mexican rap singer "Immortal Technique" plans to assault our shores later this year. Our sea girt home will provide no protection against this angry boat man who intends to kidnap our women to work in his cocaine blunt rolling factories and assassinate our Governors General.

The shocking news was broken by the appearance of an internet page on Facebook. Mr Technique has proclaimed that he will stage a military coup/tour Australia once this page receives 5000 likes.



Australian immigration officials have not responded to my questions about whether Immortal Technique will be allowed into the country. Here are some important "facts" to keep in mind regarding Mr Technique (if that is his actual name?)

• He once stood in the middle of a road causing a traffic jam with 5 buses just so he could take an admittedly amusing photo which has not been edited in any way
  
• He enjoys Coke Zero, claiming it tastes a lot like Coke
• His idea of a revolution is changing the scent of his Ambi Pur home fragrance
  
• He refuses to deny that he went to jail for putting a scorpion inside a Kinder Surprise egg. What does he have to hide?
• He once caused a big mess in the cereal aisle of a supermarket. It took me ages to clean up and I know it was him

One more thing to think about: How does he know so much about the illuminati if he isn't one of them?