J Cole Reported to be Dead

The Global Associated Press has reported that musician J Cole is dead following a freak Jet-Ski accident while on holiday in Turks and Caicos.

goodnight sweet prince

Official reports from hospital officials indicate that the famous rapper/singer struck a concrete boat slip in a marina on Parrot Cay in the Turks and Caicos Islands earlier today. J Cole was the only passenger on the personal watercraft at the time of the incident.

J Cole was a respected musician with millions of fans around the world before his tragic death. His debut album titled Cole World: The Sideline Story was released on September 27, 2011. His death was met by an outpouring of grief on Twitter and Facebook.

The accident occurred at approximately 8:45 a.m. (UTC/GMT -4 hours).

This story is still developing



The Turks and Caicos Islands, in recent years have grown in popularity as a quiet getaway destination for celebrities. The Turks and Caicos Islands consist of 40 islands and cays, eight of which are inhabited. The islands are located 550 miles southeast of Miami, Florida, just below the Bahamas chain and just to the east of Cuba and the island of Hispaniola (Dominican Republic and Haiti.) Technically, the Turks and Caicos are located in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Caribbean Sea.

Dumb Home Studios

*fades down channel 1*

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that"

 

 Finally, someone from Ancient Greece is making rap beats. This guy makes the hottest fiyah on Mount Olympus, no wonder the speakers are smoking.

 Welcome to the ultimate home SHOE-dio.

  This guy might be the laziest rap producer of all time but don't sleep on his beats!

 

Actually this isnt shitty; its Minority Report in The Matrix (via Photoshop).

Zac Hanson Purchases Swimming Pool Full of Cocaine

The littlest Hanson brother has made waves in the celebrity swimming community by filling his backyard pool with cocaine. Inspired by his hero Tony Montana, Zac Hanson (26) recently purchased the white Colombian gold from a contact he made during his time in the music industry.





The 25-metre pool has become a controversial fixture in Zac's Tulsa neighbourhood. Some residents have complained about the all-night cocaine parties, which often include Hanson music played at a loud volume, and parents have warned their children never to go swimming at the Hanson residence. Local police are concerned but there is nothing they can do about it.



Zac had been saving up his royalties from the hit single "MMM...Bop" for 15 years, waiting until he could afford enough cocaine to fill his pool. While his older brothers were racing their Ferraris and riding jetskis around their castle moats Zac was living modestly, only spending on the bare essentials. During a candid interview he expressed his heartfelt thanks to all the fans who bought the single and made his extreme cocaine dream a reality.

Zac Hanson Dead at 26, pop star found floating in pool of cocaine

It has come to the attention of Skip Hopz that the youngest member of pop group Hanson is dead.

According to Peehole Magazine, Family members found Hanson unresponsive and without a pulse early Saturday morning at his estate. They went to look for him after he posted a call for help on his twitter page. First responders were able to revive Hanson but sources close to the family suggest he died after being transported to the University of Michigan Medical Center in Ann Arbor. Hanson's family said the man had no history of substance abuse. The exact cause of death remains unknown and is still under investigation.

 "First its Amy Winehouse then its little Zac Hanson, they grow up and die so fast" tweeted Jermaine Dupri, a lifelong friend of Zac Hanson.

Zac Hanson was allegedly posting on twitter about how he was about to sniff a big bag of petrol and shove Textas(TM) up his nose. The posts were deleted when news of his death started to circulate around the web. Its so sad that this young buck we all had a crush on is not immune to the dangerous rock star lifestyle.

Rest in peace, Zac Hanson we hardly knew you...

R.I.P The Great Bob Odenkirk

Never Forget
October 22, 1962 - November 24, 2011

Popular television guy Bob "The Big Easy" Odenkirk was found dead this morning after an alleged attack by former co-star David Cross. The two were last photographed together playing a Nintendo game Super Mario Smash. Initial reports suggest that a fight broke out after playing the game for hours. Cross was quoted after being taken into custody, "That [explicative] was using Fox. No one beats me with Fox. Nobody!" before his lawyer stopped him from further comment. This is one of a rash of recent video game related violent outbreaks.

Odenkirk was a prolific actor and writer, with notable roles on the often hilarious Saturday Night Live and hit comedy Breaking Bad. Lifelong friend and rapper Vinne "Snake Eyes" Paz was one of the first to speak out following Odenkirk's death "He died the way he lived...doing loads of cocaine and playing video games. He was like a father to me, the father I never had."

Hip Hop Jobs

As part of my ongoing service to the unemployed brothers out there I will be reposting select job ads from SERCH; the hip hop employment website.

DJs WANTED
nO EXPERIENCE NECESSARy!!!!!!!!!
Disc Jockeys > Club
We are looking for fun guys and gals to become DJs at our'r hot club's. Enjoy a fun, exciting environment!

U will need to know how to push a buttan on youre turn table that starts and stops the spinning. A Certificate III in Turntable Operation will be an advantage. U will also need a hot knowledge of club bangers from 2010-2012. We will train u in how to crab scratch (3 weeks unpaid training).

U can also use a ipod and our high level DJ MixMan software.


A FEW GOOD HYPE MEN
Live Performance > Hype Men!!!!!
Exciting new position with loads of variety and scope! Our crew is seeking experienced hype men for our upcoming tour! Must perform above 60 HPM (you will be tested) with 80% punchline accuracy!

Duties include jumping around on stage and shouting certain words into a microphone! Successful applicant will have a bubbly personality and the proven ability to multi-task!

Previous applicants or people who trip over microphone cords need not apply!

SEEKING GRILL CADDY

Misc > Jewelery

Do you want a flexible job that allows you to pick the kids up from school? Get the balance right.

I am looking for someone to manage my large collection of grills. You will be on-hand at studio sessions, gigs and rap events to suggest the optimal grill for the situation. Some of my grills contain spinners which must be kept in constant rotation so you will need a high level of patience and attention to detail, and the ability to reach inside my mouth while I am rapping.

To be successful in this position you will need an eye for grills and the ability to improvise in the event of a dental emergency. Must be willing to locate to Atlanta.

WILL RAP FOR FOOD

>Freelancers

Hello, my name is Nasir and I am willing to rap for you. I have a reputation as one of the greatest of all time, ask anyone.

I could perform services like modelling various outfits for you, or washing your car. If you're recording a rap video maybe I could drive past in the background. I can be your friend on Facebook and thumb your Youtube videos. I have extensive experience with CISCO routers and Lotus Notes. If your friend is in jail I can help you compose a letter to him. I am also available to ghostwrite mediocre rap songs.

Work history:
1994 - Released Illmatic
2001 - Released Stillmatic and had beef with Jay-Z, one of the greatest of all time.
2007 - Released my Greatest Hits

Your Choice: Kingz - Figgkidd and the Hall of Fameoz

In this new regular feature I will pay homage to the dopest oldschool kingz in the Aussie rap scene.

First inductee to the Oz Hip Hop HALL OF FAMEOZ: FIGGKIDD



The magical legend of Figgkidd started in 2004, when a young buck took time off playing Runescape to be discovered by a hotshot record executive while rapping to his mum in the shower. He got a deal with Sony and the rest his history...

He built up a lot of buzz on internet forums and released his debut album What Is Figgkidd in 2004. It had a lot of people confused at the time, everyone was eager to find out what a Figgkidd was. Once they found out they became loyal fans for life. Figgkidd's unique Eminem style was a perfect fit for the Aussie rap industry and he became a household name.




what am i watching

Maybe the success came a bit too soon for Figgkidd, as he found himself in the heady world of Channel V fame and cocaine hooker binges. During this time he was fucking so many bitches he couldn't even get his dick hard. The music suffered when he started rapping dumb fairytale shit that nobody wanted to hear, the intricite lyrics replaced with songs ghostwritten by infamous jerk Mark Holden. He even re-released his first album in a desperate attempt to recapture the magic but nobody seemed to care what a Figgkidd was anymore.

The post 2007 era (known to diehard 'Kidd fans as the 'Figgkidd Rennasaince') has been great for Aussie hip hop. Major acts like 360 and Hilltop Hoods get played on Nova every day but it wasn't always like this, they owe it all to Figgkidd; the Australian Eminem who broke through and showed us how our dope local rappers could compete with the best in the world. He still ranks in the official top 5 gifted lyricists to come out of the Southern Hemisphere.

Recently his Myspace page was hacked and the music was replaced with some dumb sounding rap music. In 2011 you can still catch the ghost of Figgkidd posting his inane responses to things on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it. The older headz are the only people who remember how dope Figgkidd was, and how Figgkiddmania gripped Australia in the summer of 2004. The legend of a young, upcoming Eminem will live forever in our hearts and the SKIPHOPZ OZ HIP HOP HALL OF FAMEOZ.

RAPPER REPORT CARD
FIGGKIDD
Vocabulary: 8
Articulation: 9
Creativity: 8
Originality: 10
Versatility: 9
Voice: 10
Records: 10
Stage Presence: 7
Sticking to Themes: 5
Innovating Rhythms: 7
83/100, B
"Silver Star"

Tila Tequila Strangled by Komodo Dragons

Myspace hottie Miss Tila Tequila (30) was found dead last night in her Los Angeles townhouse. Her naked body was surrounded by 12 fully grown komodo dragons which apparently strangled her while she slept. The alarm was raised by a neighbour who heard Miss Tequila's death scream at approximately 3 a.m. By the time an ambulance arrived the lizards had already begun to feed, ripping strips of flesh from Tequila's breasts and thighs. Once her perfect skin and toned muscles were penetrated her organs were easy pickings for the giant lizards, who tore open her ribcage and feasted with reckless abandon. Witnesses report her body being a bloody mess, with guts strewn over the floorboards like so many Persian rugs and blood dripping ominously down the stairs from her bedroom on the upper floor.

Paramedics had to call an animal control company to gain access to the room, as the lizards were hissing loudly and some people on the scene believed they were able to breathe fire also. A police spokesperson said that the dragons had to be killed, to prevent a full scale rampage. According to pop sensation Elton John the dragons lived their lives like candles in the wind; never knowing who to strangle when hunger set in.

1981-2011, never forget

Tequila was looking after the lizards for her friend Ashton Kutcher while he was away filming new episodes of Two and a Half Men. He tried to warn her that the lizards are dangerous, and continued to send her messages on twitter about how to properly care for the rare creatures and feed them on time to prevent strangulation. The komodo dragon, also known as the komodo monitor, can grow up to 3 metres in length.

Tila Tequila was known for being "the baddest bitch on the block", a talented rapper and model who was adored by billions of fans worldwide. She was the most popular whore on Myspace for several years. She won a number of awards, including Bravo's "A-List Drama Queen", "Entertainer of the Year" and an Academy Award for her (uncredited) role in the movie Titanic as 'Floating Debris #6'.

News of Tila Tequila's death received a mixed response online, with many loyal Tilaholics expressing their grief and heartfelt sadness through Facebook status and Youtube comments. However her detractors were also out in full force with one particularly unhinged man tweeting "those lizards accomplished in 1 night what i tried to do my whole life!!!". Some conspiracy theorists have even floated the idea that Kutcher wanted to bump off his rival Tila Tequila once and for all. Kutcher's lizard training skills are no secret; we all know he learned how to make komodo dragons strangle people on the set of the new Gary Busey biopic. At the time of writing he has denied to comment on the allegations.

MTV will be showing a special tribute to the brave komodo dragons on Sunday followed by Tequila's funeral, a pay-per-view event featuring performances by her lifelong friend Justin Bieber and The Black Eyed Peas.

Basketball Jones: Secret NBA History including Yinka Dare and the Jordan Conspiracy

In this regular new feature I will report on the happenings around the National BBall Angrymen (NBA). All sports fans know that basketball has been CANCELLED FOREVER due to a lack of interest. Only 4 teams wanted to enter the league this season...what a piece of shit. In the meantime lets look back over the history of America's Game...

In 1734 Dr Julius Erving discovered basketball after he got bored and started throwing large orange balls into a peach basket. He was committed to a mental institution where the game took off, and the NBA was born. In those days the game was very different; fundamentals like dunking and dribbling were banned and only white people were allowed to play.

The popularity of the game spread overseas during the Cold War years, with China taking an interest in the development of players. Two professional B-ball players sent their son to China to be moulded into the ultimate killing machine and baller, that child's name was Michael Jordan.



Jordan cut his teeth in operations for the secret joint China-American government in the 1970s, killing thousands of dissidents in South American countries as part of a black-ops death squad that also included Sam Bowie and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Finally he was drafted to the Chicago Cows in 1985 and the legend was born, he averaged an incredible 3.55 turnovers per game in his rookie year.

However critics have alleged that Jordan's amazing statistics are not legit; there are documented cases where the referees would call a foul or even a timeout when one of Jordan's shots was about to miss. Opposition players were often called for fouling Jordan when they were on the other side of the court or sitting on the bench. Sometimes points scored by Luc Longley (one of the most underrated players of all time) would mysteriously turn up on Jordan's box score, and the scorers claimed that they couldn't tell the players apart.

In one 1994 playoff game against the New York Knicks Jordan had not scored a single point in the first half, so the referee allowed him to stand under the basket at halftime and throw the ball through the hoop 20 times, and for some reason each shot counted as a 3 pointer. The other team were allowed to guard him during this time but they were forced to do so while standing in their coach's technical area which made it very difficult indeed.

Another controversial moment was when the NBA decided to count Michael Jordan's games in Bill Murray's movie Space Jam towards his career totals, causing his ppg to skyrocket and Jordanmania to grip Britain and the world. The cash was rolling in and China were making their investment back off all the shoes and singlets they were selling.

But there was one problem for Jordan and his band of Manchurian mercenaries: a young kid named Yinka Dare who was changing the way the game was played. His coming was prophecised by Leonardo DiVinci and the man did not disappoint! Yinka's dominance of the NBA attracted attention from the CIA, he was framed for match fixing and forced out of the game. Later he would be assassinated after he threatened to blow the whistle on the Jordan conspiracy, making room for lesser players like Shawuille O'Neal (who was made from parts of Yinka's DNA) to take over the game.



To this day Yinka Dare's Come Dare With Me video series is illegal to be in possession of, or upload on youtube. Yinka's 'Triple Murder Crossover' remains illegal in 48 states because it broke too many ankles.

The next evolution came in 1996 when Steve Jobs and David Stern conspired to change the way the game was played once again. With help from MIT they created an android capable of playing basketball and got him drafted to the NBA. The name of that android was Kobe Bryant. Each year a new model was produced with improved attributes and groundbreaking new AI created by EA Sports. Sometimes the new sofware had some bad bugs that caused his programming to go haywire and make him rape somebody.

Regardless, Kobe continued to dominate the league until the secret blueprints were stolen by the devious John Crotty and other teams created their own robot players, like Lebron and D-Wade. Lets hope the drama of the NBA can continue for another 500 years.

Bias B Dead

 

 Rest in Peace young brother

Legendary Aussie rapper BIAS B was killed today in a tragic train accident. Witnesses report he jumped down onto the train tracks to save a child who had fallen there. As he handed the young boy to safety the express train came roaring into the station. As tears ran down his face Bias B turned to the strangers on the platform and said "Tell my wife I love her always-" before he was crushed under the steel carriage.

Panicked onlookers screamed at the paramedics telling them to save him but the doctor simply said "I cant bring back the dead bro, call a necromancer" as he scraped bloody remains from the rubble.

Local police have said the death should be a lesson to all rappers and members of the public, they should always wait until the green man comes on the sine.

Bias B was an icon to Sydney rap fans, with classic releases like Bee'z Wax and In Bed With Bias that still get copped by new listeners and bumped on the regular at house parties and the like. A vocal member of the Lyric Commission Crew, Bias was a staunch supporter of the Aussie hip hop scene. Many fans report that Bias B's music is perfect for blazing and he will be sorely missed. He was also a notorious graffiti vandal that escaped police capture by running away. Channel V will be screening a special memorial for Bias B on Sunday.

illuminati pyramids on the moon...obama bird flu apocalypse in 2012

The illuminati is a group of evil white dudes that have been trying to rule the world since the begginning of time… in the beginnning reptilians were placed on this planet to have sex with humans and make a new race, a hybrid race that will live on Earth until its end and there goal is to control everything. They are some of the richest people on earth, they control our government and celeberties are used as puppets that are controlled by them… The media is under complete control by them… They want to create the new world order and they are doing it in the process… The illuminati control the media, and politics. There are known members, like Jay-z, Diddy, Jermaine Dupri, DJ Clue. They worship satan, and are working towards a new world order. And yes, the illuminati did kill tupac. He spoke out against them and he was shot soon after. So did michael jackson, and JFK. They want to create a “one world government”. They are going to dissolve the borders and put computer chips into our hands and foreheads. Some of us will be killed, and some will be used as puppets. If you don’t believe me, do some research. Youtube has plenty of videos on it. And the reason they don’t remove the videos is because it would draw more attention to it. And most people think it’s all bull, so they arent worried. But just keep an open mind! Illuminati controls the media. (ex. Government, music, and everything.) its better to do research on your own. Just look at your local Taco Bell sign. The bell has an eye. The symbol used most by Illuminati is the eye in the pyramid. ITS EVERYWHERE. 1 Dollar bills. Nick Jr. Everyday movies. Another used symbol is 911. Again its a movies. On Gremlins 2 the first reporters microphone has a “9″ and the reporter that has the microphone right next to it has “11″ 911. 911 is the emergency hotline. Check what Illuminati.com backwards (Itanimulli.com) redirects to...They’re not a real tight group though. It’s more of a network of influential people. It’s alot of entertainers. The Illuminati does have some rappers. Busta Rhymes was Illuminati. the rapper Guru led the Nyc Illuminati for awhile. DJ Clue has his NY group of Illuminati. One of their plans at the moment is to make a mixtape with all the hot artists on it...all the hot rappers and producers are being brought together by the Illuminati! Clue was kicked out of the Illuminati for talking too much on his mix tapes. He always bragged about his group on tapes called the “Clue, Clue, Cluminati”. The Illuminati aren’t a big thing anymore. They started alot of fighting amongst themselves. The FBI took apart alot of those secret societies. The Illuminati was known for changing leadership alot. People were constantly fighting for leadership of the group. There are several branches of the Illuminati, it’s not just one group. There was a west coast branch, an east coast branch and the group in Asia. Don’t even worry about Tupac. He’s still alive. So is Biggie Smalls. For real, that’s the truth. Sometimes they fake their death and reappear under a new identity. I know the guy who was Tupac, he’s pretty cool, he’s still alive for real. The Illuminati had put out a death warrant on Tupac for talking too much to the media. Biggie Smalls is still alive too but he’s using a different identity now. Whenever you hear that a celebrity has died, don’t even stress over it. They keep one identity here and another identity there. Nas used to be D Nice of Boogie Down Productions. Most people never noticed. Janet Jackson wasn’t selling as many cd’s so she started using Rhianna name and image to make new songs. That guy that played Judge Harry Stone on Nightcourt became Jerry Seinfeld. They switch identities to keep it seeming new. Illuminati is real i think but don’t just go look up any thing cuz for one there alot of bull shit on the web from what i understand is that they think god was to hared on the devil they think he should have got another chances so they believe he is still as gorgeous as he was when he was a angle and to let u you know the free mason and skulls and bones society are part of the Illuminati. i think there is one other one 2 from what i have read most of the riches people in the world are in it there are 17 families. There Is No Medicine Like An All Natural Key Lime Pie......One Time "Captain Kutchie Pelaez" Was In The Hospital For Kidney Stones And Was Labeled A Combative Patient When He Found Out That The Hospital Kitchen Staff Were Skimping On Ingedients In Their Key Lime Pies.....Well Seriously What The Hell Do You Expect When The King Of Key Lime (Lord Of Lords) Finds Out That Someone Has Been Perverting The Purest Of The Pure......As Our Friend "Clint" Eastwood Might Say "Make My Day!!!!!the new world order is suppose to create peace cuz its going to be a world with one government for everyone… wich means there will be peace…. they are gonna have to put fear into people and reduce the population in order for the new world order to work… its all suppose to happen in 2012… remember guys on the strong minded people will survive the events that will take place in 2012… everything will be staged too make it seem real to the people and convincing enough to put fear in people… human are basically just cattle that will be slaughtered if needed to be…

Tha Kerser - The Nebulizer REVIEWED

The wee laddie KERSER made a name for himself by (alledgedly) selling 3000 copies of his hot mixtape, without any distro or even brushing his teeth. I also writted about his youtube video which has blown up. His name has created quite a buzz around the homeland of Aussie hip hop; Sydney's North Shore, causing lads to shout "Kerser is the sickest" in the streets.

Now THE NEBULIZER is released, the debut (or 'de butt', as the case may be) album from infamous lad rapper KERSER.

The hotbeats on this album were made by Uncle Nevs from Goonbag Radio. There are some cool joints with innovating rhythms more common to a discotech of the 1940s (Hitler Rap) but with a lot more swearing. These dumb Casio ringtone beats are enough to leave the true rap pioneers spinning in their graves.

This lad will go down in history as the true Aussie Eminem...if Eminem was produced by a shitty Justice cover band. The best track on THE NEBULIZER is "Gonna Get Hi Today", a smooth R&B joint all about smoking your boyfriend's cock. Think about that for a minute.



All of the hooks are terrible, with dumb lyrics like "Do the KERS bitch". These songs are sure to be a huge hit among blithering idiots with no mental capacity. There are also some guest appearances from some lame nobodies in Kerser's crew that will have you throwing bottles at your stereo and yelling at it to stop.

The topics covered by THE KERSER'S range from "Kerser is the sickest" and "Kerser is the dopest" to "Don't fuck with Kerser". Something for everyone...as long as youre a lad on Kerser's dick. THE NEBULIZER seems to be a pretty popular album so far, it even made top of the pops on iTunes! It's a shame Kerser swears so much and is a total jerk to everyone he meets...otherwise his music would get major airplay on Nova for sure!

I give this album a thumbs up. 4 Harolds out of 5, but don't take my word for it.


How can u argue with this? (Pic from Kerser's Facebook page)

Get to know Kerser...THE KERSER FACTS:

• He doesnt own a suit (why would he?)
• He has the Chinese symbol for "I suck dirty dicks for money" tattooed on his arse
• He got the idea to become a rapper when he saw Will Smith in Wild Wild West
• Other lads refer to KERSER as "The Chosen One"
• His cousin is Andrew G from Video Hits
• The Devil tried to buy his soul at the crossroads but Kerser's crew rolled him and ran off with his shoes
• He has a huge dick, that thing is friggin ginormous. He showed it to me on MSN.

RAPPER REPORT CARD
THE KERSER
Vocabulary: 6
Articulation: 8
Creativity: 7
Originality: 8
Versatility: 8
Voice: 6
Records: 7
Stage Presence: 7
Sticking to Themes: 6
Innovating Rhythms: 9
72/100, C
"Take Pride in Your Work"

OMG its Trilly Tuesdays!

Following the popularity of Casual Fridays, Snitching Saturdays and Wanking at School Wednesdays, there is another weekly date that real headz have programmed into their Palm Pilot(TM)...TRILLY TUESDAYS.

Aussie lad THE TRILL (a.k.a The Buoy Fiddler (see earlier post)) has uploaded an amazing 29 songs so far, with a new song appearing someday between Monday and Wednesday every week. I checked out a few songs to give u my expert opinion...

Track 29 "At the Speed of Life"
This is an amazing ballad that we can all relate to, the whole song is about getting on a bus. Apparently fare dodging on public transport is a core theme for Trill.

Track 19 "Cool Story Bro"
Bros tuning in expecting to hear a song with many cool stories will be disappointed by this track. Its an emo ballad that drags on for about 15 minutes.

Track 16 "Tradie Money"
Now we get to hear THE TRILL rap about how poor he is, with so many levels of irony its hard to work out wtf is happening. This song is about 5 minutes too long.


Check out all da bangers at http://www.trillytuesdays.com/

Rapper Report Card
,._.,-*^~*-,._.,-~>TRILL THE BUOY FIDDLER<~-,._.,-*~^~*-,._.,

Vocabulary: 7

Articulation: 5

Creativity: 9

Originality: 8

Versatility: 8

Voice: 5

Records: 1

Stage Presence: 6

Sticking to Themes: 10

Innovating Rhythms: 7

SCORE: 66/100
D+"see me after class"

LINDSAY LOHAN JOINS THE 27 CLUB

BREAKING NEWS
Troubled kart racing actress and karaoke singer LINDSAY LOHAN has died at the tragically young age of 27.

A spokesperson for the Los Angeles Police Department told reporters that Lohan was involved in a multi-car crash earlier this morning. It is unclear whether drugs or alcohol played a part in the accident. Her body was found by a cyclist who proceeded to stip off her clothes, roll her over and cut off her fingers and toes with a pocket knife. The missing digits were later confiscated by police, after they turned up on eBay listed as "lot of 10 delicious edible freedom nuggets".

Many Hollywood celebrities have expressed their grief over Lindsay Lohan's death since it was announced by Dan Rather on CNN. Rapper Drake was particularly distraught, tweeting "my brothers...we may never see a talent like her kind ever again, R.I.P".

The death is ironic because Lohan recently started working at a morgue, in an attempt to pay off her student loans. She was on probation after being caught stealing watches and wedding rings from the dead bodies. Last month Lohan escaped from the morgue and made her way to Tallahassee, Florida where she rented an apartment near Florida State University under the name Chris Hagen. She managed to buy food and pay her way at local college bars with stolen credit cards.

On Saturday, October 1, Lohan broke into Florida State University's Chi Omega sorority house and bludgeoned and strangled to death two women, raping one of them and brutally biting her on her buttocks and one nipple. She beat two others over the head with a log. They survived which investigators attribute to fellow roommate Nita Neary, who came home and interrupted Lohan before she was able to kill the other two victims.


Lohan's trademark death stare

Lohan began her dick sucking career at a young age and used those skills to leverage a role on popular sitcom The Cosby Show. It was the beginning of an amazing career on stage and screen that spanned 2 decades. Her magnum opus 'Mean Girls' was released to critical acclaim in 2004, winning her an Oscar for best actress. MTV will be holding a special memorial for her on Friday.

Things Bogans Like, the unofficial music video

Melbourne Victory and Liverpool fans in tears

The football season has gone from bad to worse for 2 clubs on opposite sides of the globe. Liverpool and Melbourne have failed so hard that many are wondering if either club will be around for next season.

Former European giants LIVERPOOL have had one of the worst seasons in the history of world football, with humiliating losses to Stoke, Michael Bolton and famously shitty team Spurs.

Star striker Stevie Gerrard has admitted that the club are not playing well. In a post match press conference he told reporters that he was sick of losing every week and had been calling other clubs asking if he could come and maybe play a match for them or even just sit on the bench.

To make matters worse, former 'Pool favourite Fernando Torres missed a shot on an open goal, prompting many pundits to question whether he has ever scored a goal before or even knows how to kick a ball through the 2 white posts.

Crowd attendance at Liverpool games has been falling since they were overtaken by Manchester City as the 4th best team in English football. With fan support and popularity hitting rock bottom this season, many pundits are wondering if the club will ever recover.

Meanwhile in Australia, fallen "glamour club" MELBOURNE VICTORY are doing no better. The club recently made a deal to sign journeyman winger (who never tracks back) Harry Kewell. Unfortunately he tore both his achillies tendons while getting off the plane, it looks like he will be out of action for about 4 years.

According to football writer Philip Micallef, Kewell could be banned from playing in the A-League: "Kewell has yet to put pen on paper and it could all end up in tears because the Socceroos hero will be barred from playing in the A-League unless he signs a Standard Player Contract (SPC) like everybody else...Banning Kewell would be a highly unpopular and controversial measure but one that FFA would be well within its right to take."

The problem is that Kewell has signed multiple sponsorship deals with errectile dysfnction companies, in a hope to enlarge his own penis and bank account.

Even with Kewell on their side, doubts remain about Melbourne's chances this season. Many pundits have already written them off, expecting the fallen giants to be a mid-table team at best, possibly sneaking into the finals with a bit of luck. Meanwhile, rivals SYDNEY FC have strengthened their squad with star Socceroo Brett Emerton who has said he wants Harry Kewell's head on a pike by the end of the season.

SKIPHOPZ TRAVEL EXTRAVAGANZA

Skiphopz is back with a bumper travel issue. In this new regular feature I will tell you how to travel the world and become a more cultured citizen of the internet like me.

PART 1: FRANCE

Gay Paree is situated conveniently in the middle of Europa and is a favourite destination of travelpeople around the world. There are many attractions to see and try, such as standing around near the Eiffel Tower (a French knockoff of the Statue of Liberty) and eating sticks of bread called Yiros. While you're in the country, why not partake in some of the famous cheeses and wines? Some of the most popular are 'heroin' and 'cocaine'.

Getting around in France is easy, you can rent one of the famous European hatchbacks such as the Ford Focus. I would not recommend riding a bicycle in France because based on what I've seen on TV you have to be PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.

 

Other popular French pass times include having gay sex and visiting the museum of French War Heroes (don't worry, it only takes a few minutes).

RAP CELEBS spotted in tha wyld!

Aussie hip hopper TRILL was seen at a popular beach, he kept swimming out to the buoys and messing around with them. This activity has prompted the coastguard to nickname him 'The buoy fiddler'. Apparently the young man cannot keep his hands off the buoys. Gulls remain unaffected by his nefarious activities.


I saw the famous rapman MEMPHIS BLEEK in the flesh. He was quite friendly, approaching and eating pellets out of my hand. He even let me pat him on the head and run my fingers through his hair before he suddenly tried to bite my hand off!


Rap spinner DJ REFLUX was spotted at a local club. He kept stealing records from the DJ's crate while they weren't looking and cutting the corners off the record sleeves. He appears to be storing these in a modified stamp album.


Popular rap know-it-all BLUEBIRD (from those forums) was seen swimming around in the Tasman Sea. Apparently he was on a flight to New Zealand when he suddenly stood up and said "I can't take it anymore, I'm in an aeroplane over the sea? This is too mainstream for me!" then somehow managed to open the emergency exit and jump out, creating a torrent of explosive decompression that claimed my Palm Pilot. I hope he had a parachute and a pretty good life raft in his carry on luggage!

SkipHopz CRIBS: PEZ

Young man of the streets PEZ is one of the most attractive men in the rap scene. He invited me into his home for an exclusive look at his opulent crib.

PEZ met me at Circular Quay where we took a luxury yaucht to his waterfront crib. I was surprised when we sailed into a cave and were greeted by a fly bitch in an orange shirt.



PEZ's crib is a giant underground cavern! As he lead me deeper into the complex I started to notice shelves upon shelves of food. I asked if he was preparing for the apocalypse or some disaster, he explained that some of the food was here when he moved in (PEZ bought the cavern from a crew of pirates in 2008) and that was what started his obsession with eating expired foodstuffs! As he told me this he started eating a discoloured Mars bar "1991, good vintage".

I looked more closely at the shelves and it was true, here was a pack of Mentos 15 years over its best before date, a carton of milk 'use by Jan 16 2011'.

PEZ says that certain foods can miraculously change once they pass their use-by date, like Jesus emerging from the cave after being crucified or a caterpillar becoming a magnificent butterfly. "Only suckers buy sour cream," he explained "I just buy some regular cream and wait a few weeks". Other foods simply taste better once they have matured. PEZ says chocolate never goes bad, it turns white and is apparently delicious. One of his favourite snacks is mouldy bread toasted and served with Vegemite from the 1960s.

PEZ tells me that collecting expired food is half the fun, "Bins out the back of restaurants and supermarkets can be a goldmine for the expired food eater. You never know what you will find. I don't know why everyone eats brand new food when there is so much great old food out there waiting to be consumed!"

The health issues are not a major concern for the boy rapper, "I got sick a few times and my doctor told me to stop eating expired food. But doctors and scientists dont know everything".


Shit was so cash

PEZ's one piece of advice for aspiring rap singers: "Eat as much expired food as you can, the older the better!"

Take U 2 Da Movies: '1911' starring Jackie Chan

In this new regular feature I will post updates from the world of cinema.

It was a shock to all of us when drunken tai-chi master Jackie Chan passed away in March this year. Now the world is soon to witness his first posthumous work, a historical drama called 1911.

The film tells the story of a time travelling Abraham Lincoln (played by Chan) who has to summon the seven crystal ducks to save the Cloud World with the help of his sidekick Mikey Twohands (Rami Malek). Since Jackie Chan was killed during filming, he was inserted into later scenes as an electronic computer robot, like Jack Deebs in Cool World.



Chan's estate was not happy with the final result and filed an injunction, attempting to ban the film from release. Luckily director Uwe Boll doesn't give a fuck, he intends to let everyone see his masterpiece.

The response from early screenings of the film has been mixed, with many critics pointing out that Segways didn't exist in early 20th century China and they would be an impractical way of transporting an entire army to the Cloud World due to the fact that they can't fly.

However most moviegoers were thrilled to see their hero return one last time, giving a rousing cheer as Chan's character entered the stage. If 1911 does well at the box office you can expect to see much more of Jackie Chan as he rides a wave of death onto the beach of success, ala Biggie and Tupac. His corpse has already had several offers including a Broadway musical based on Chan's life.

Why Does Eminem Hate Poland?

POLISH fans of the real Slim Shady have experienced a relapse of their infinite sadness, as the Eminem show has yet again passed over their fine country (which is in a period of economic recovery), causing fans to cry "Without me!??"...just like toy soldiers. Encore.


We all know that feel

Much like Eminem's fictional biggest fan, Stan, the Polish public are pissed off and possibly ready to engage in a tragic murder/suicide over the fact that the white rap singer's latest tour dates do not include the land of waffles and eggplants.

The first rumors indicating that Eminem might hate Poland began to surface in 2003 after an interview with Spin magazine where Eminem was quoted saying "I don't not hate Poland" and "Why can't we just wipe Poland off the map?"

Lars, who works at Warsaw record shop 'Muzant', said that although many of his customers are concerned about the issue, Eminem's views on Poland have not damaged his popularity. "Every week someone asks me when Eminem is coming! Given the number of Eminem appearances in our fine country (zero) I think it's safe to say that he really hates us. What did we ever do to him?"


An artist's rendition of the face Eminem made as he vomited over a Polish flag and lit it on fire

Polish Minister of Foreign Affairs Radoslaw Sikorski was less enthusiastic about the prospect of a visit from Marshall Mathers, citing his facial hair as a potential stumbling block. "Mr Eminem will either shave that stubble or grow a beard before I will allow him into the country. He looks like a boy!"

The drama continues. It remains to be seen whether the real Slim Shady has a guilty conscience but we will have to wait and see if he will visit Poland to sing, for the moment.

Celebs Spotted: DEAD OR ALIVE

I was lucky enough to see Sir Bill Cosby's Corpse performing an impromptu standup gig at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. The great one has lost none of his charm, he had the audience eating out of his maggot infested hand as he ran through some of his famous routines such as standing upright supported by a wooden pole while flies buzzed around his decomposing flesh for 45 minutes. No encore?



My cousin Steve caught a glimpse of young buck Orlando Bloom at the beach. The mad actor was shoving his cock into the beaks of pelicans while loudly proclaiming that it was the only species with a mouth large enough to suck him off. He was looking buff too!



I was surprised to see Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz at my school for show and tell. He stood up in front of my class and spent 2 hours showing us pictures of his Cadillac Escalade and Volkswagen Jetta. He wouldn't leave until we all agreed that his cars were awesome, it was weird because he doesn't even go to my school and he is like 25 years old.

I also saw some reports of Solomon Klepto stabbing cunts in Dandy but that's neither here nor there...

Rolling in their grave: KERSER

IN a new regular feature I will explain which classic rappers are spinning in their graves due to the shitty new rap music of today...

The infamous KERSER is a battle raper from Sydney-town who is causing quite a stir on the facebook. Recently he boasted that his youtube video has 100000 views, big fucking deal. Many have put the hate on The Kerser because he is the most popular lad rapper in the country and the only battle MC who is openly gay. Despite these flaws most rap fans agree that he does indeed spit hot fyre, its probably better if we give in to his demands and step back for fear of being burned!


The Kerser in the booth during a steamy recording session

THE KERSER made a name for himself after an intense freestyle battle in the carpark after a Got Beef event, and when I say instense freestyle battle I mean stabbing a hobo to death with one of his many knives. Word on the streets says he was also seen in the area of the Black Saturday Bushfires in 2009 packing flint and steel, and he refuses to answer questions about his involvement with the Beaumont children.

For the above reasons and many more, P DIDDY is rolling in his grave.

f0rum n00B unofficla REMIX: PHATCHANCE - I DONT KNOW

we got dat hoverdog swag

WARNING: DANGEROUS MAN "IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE" TO TOUR AUSTRALIA

IT has come to the attention of SkipHopz that famous Mexican rap singer "Immortal Technique" plans to assault our shores later this year. Our sea girt home will provide no protection against this angry boat man who intends to kidnap our women to work in his cocaine blunt rolling factories and assassinate our Governors General.

The shocking news was broken by the appearance of an internet page on Facebook. Mr Technique has proclaimed that he will stage a military coup/tour Australia once this page receives 5000 likes.



Australian immigration officials have not responded to my questions about whether Immortal Technique will be allowed into the country. Here are some important "facts" to keep in mind regarding Mr Technique (if that is his actual name?)

• He once stood in the middle of a road causing a traffic jam with 5 buses just so he could take an admittedly amusing photo which has not been edited in any way
  
• He enjoys Coke Zero, claiming it tastes a lot like Coke
• His idea of a revolution is changing the scent of his Ambi Pur home fragrance
  
• He refuses to deny that he went to jail for putting a scorpion inside a Kinder Surprise egg. What does he have to hide?
• He once caused a big mess in the cereal aisle of a supermarket. It took me ages to clean up and I know it was him

One more thing to think about: How does he know so much about the illuminati if he isn't one of them?